Sadly, I've yet to be able to find a routine and actually get my heart into words and onto this blog. Through a physically and emotionally straining pregnancy and living the last three 3 weeks both exhausted and enthroned by my beautiful baby girl....I just haven't found this blog topping my priority list. However right now I sit at my computer, BOTH kids asleep, the house in decent enough condition, plenty of lasagna left over from last night for another dinner....leaving nothing really to be done. I decided I would sit and share something that God revealed to me recently.
Three weeks ago I gave birth to my daughter. Without getting too far off topic I will just sum up that my pregnancy was difficult. Physically and emotionally. I was literally depressed for many months. I struggled with connecting with her. When we had the ultrasound and found out we were having a girl, I couldnt believe it. It was literally too good to be true. A boy and than a girl, just what I had always dreamed. With my son, I had this over whelming desire to TEACH him. Teach him how to be a man of God, a romantic, how to treat women, how to be a friend, how to be strong my understanding, how to be in the world but not of the world. I had, and still do have, this excitement to get to teach him and form into a remarkable human being. Shortly after he was born I wrote him a letter. I told him how much I loved him, my hopes for him and my prayers. I encouraged him and let him know my deepest desires as a mother. Its a letter that even today, 3 years later, fully encompasses what I want him to know from my heart. With my daughter, the feeling was different. Yes, I was excited to teach her all of those things too, but my excitement was drowned out with a panic. I felt an overwhelming sense of pressure. Yes, I could teach her, but more than anything she was going to learn all of those things by WATCHING me. I am her example, just like my husband is my son's. She will become a woman from my own heart and even more from my actions. She will learn how to 'be' from watching me. More than ever I felt a call (more like a demand) to truly live the life I needed to be living. Every response to a situation, every attitude I put on each day, every sacrifice I do and do not make, she will be watching me. I can teach her all I want, but more than ever I now need to 'Walk the walk, not just talk the talk." Because, she will see the difference. It was a charge God put on my heart and I have no deeper desire than to pick up that cross and follow him the best that I can, knowing that I will need His help every step of the way.
Once she was born I immediately had this urge to write her a letter as well. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, tell her the dreams I have for her and the prayers I will be praying for her. I wanted to encourage her and write profound words that might just reveal to her what my heart is truly feeling. It wasnt, however, as easy as with my son. The pressure and reality was just different. There werent words that could express to her fully what I wanted her to know. Words cant express it the way actions will.
I am so grateful for my children in more ways than I could list. You think the blog entry is long now...I would be well past nap times if I tried to express how grateful I am for my children. So, I will merely reflect on this one way in particular; because of them I will NEVER stop living for the Lord. There is nothing in life that will get me down too much that I would stop living for the Lord. Their faith depends on it. It is an urge I feel every day. And I am so grateful to experience a son and daughter and the different challenge they both bring to my faith.
For anyone who is reading this, I hope this challenges you as well. To parents, remember that your children are learning from you even when neither of you realize it. How many times have you done something and said "Oh my gosh Im turning into my mom/dad."??? It happens even without realizing it. We have the opportunity to form our children into incredible servants for the Lord. We HAVE to make sure to take up our cross and follow Him daily, because they WILL follow our lead.
"Direct your children on the right path and when they are grown they will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6
