The beat goes on...sort of.

{Just as a pre-curser, you should know that as I sit here with my knee bouncing and my bottom lip bit....I am at a loss as to what to write here. Not because I have nothing to say, but because I have so much. But God has told me to sit down and write, so here goes...}

I havent really posted anything since the intense few days following our recent experience. Its not that nothing has been laid on my heart to share or express, its because every day is something new and intense. The first week following the loss I was a heartbroken zombie. The reminder never left my mind. The tears were always on deck. Week two was a little better, I was at least functioning, but had to go into the doctor for a follow up from the procedure which brought me back to a dark place. {When I say dark place I don't mean gloomy and without light. I mean my eyes closed and tears falling. There is a difference I have learned.} I had sorrow...but it too passed and I began to function again. The last two weeks have been great. I don't have to remind myself each morning of the loss or feel stabbed at the site of a pregnant woman or newborn. I have accepted what has happened and seen so clearly, already, a purpose out of this. {Knowing full well that God will continue to reveal purposes of it over the years of my life.}

I have had a lot of people tell me that they are 'inspired' by my strength. My initial reaction, being one who doesn't take compliments well {uncomfortable}, I sort of reside from it. But what I know now is that YES, I do have strength! A strength that is incredible. A strength that has delivered me from this with joy. BUT YOU MUST KNOW, this strength is not my own. It is a strength the Lord has given me. A strength I have been able to grow in me over the years of my life because I have chosen to humble myself before the Lord. So if you see my strength as inspiring or encouraging...GREAT!!! But I will not allow that to be the end of it. Please please do not look at my strength with envy or awe...see it as a light. A light showing YOU TOO the way to the cross. My God has given me this strength, and he can give you that same strength {and hope, and joy, and laughter, and purpose, and perspective}.

There is one overlying 'theme' to what God has grown in my heart through this experience and that is that THIS WAS HARD! It was, no matter how much strength or perspective he may have blessed me with. This has been so hard. But if you have ever carried a child, you know the miracle in which it all is. When you walk around for 9 months watching your belly grow, when you FEEL that child moving inside of you, and than, after 9 months of feeling something squirming INSIDE of you...an actual flipping human being comes out of you. Breathing. Kicking. Crying. Looking. I may be able to take a photo or sew a blanket, but folks I cannot create a human! Are you kidding me? GOD makes those babies. He grows those babies, and in the end he gifts us and entrusts us with His children. The Lord is in control, even when its not all smiles and giggles and celebrating. This child I carried for 10 weeks was a gift. Not in the sense I imagined it to be, but a gift. And after all the years I spend here on earth, no matter the heartache or the failure or the emptiness...I have a baby waiting for me in heaven. This is incredible to me. I didn't LOSE that baby...it got postponed. It is a belated gift. You know those gifts you know are coming and the closer you get you get more and more excited? That is how I feel.

I know this may sound silly to some, but God speaks to us all differently. This is how he talks to me:
When I was 11 my uncle died. My only uncle. I was young, but old enough to know what death was and that he was gone and I mourned for him. Shortly after his death I had a dream. I saw my uncle in heaven and he was holding a little boy's hand. The boy was about 6 and he looked like me. There was not even a moment when I wondered who that was. It was my brother. 6 years prior my mother had lost a baby at 5 months pregnant. He was in heaven...and my uncle was this him, holding his hand. About 5 years later I lost my grandpa to cancer. Shortly after his death I had the same dream. My uncle, my little brother, and than also my grandpa. All standing there together. It was incredible. The same dream, and I had forgotten about the first one till than. It was such a gift from the Lord. Well....a few days after I lost our baby I had the dream again. My uncle, my little brother, my grandpa... and in his arms, my baby. I cant tell you the joy that fills my heart, through the tears even as I write this. I cant tell you how many times I have looked at Landon, broken hearted, because I KNOW how much my grandpa would have loved him. Ya, as a great grandson, but more than that. I see him in Landon and just this little spark that would have lighted up my grandpa in such a special way. It makes me so sad. Landon may not get to meet him, but my other baby is in safe arms until the day I get to meet it. God knows I need to feel loved and cared for right now, and he does it in the most intimate ways. I will be running into the arms of those boys someday.

So back to that overlying theme he has layed on my heart; This Hurts. It does. Its hard, it breaks me, and it scars me. But what fires in my heart more than anything else is this thought; 'Ill be damned if I am going to go through this for nothing!' God does not EVER put us through a struggle without a purpose. Its a common saying, "God has a purpose and a plan." Maybe its just me, but I always tend to look to the future for that purpose. But God's purpose INCLUDES what we are going through, not just what will play out from or come of it. Each struggle has a purpose and I am going to use mine in whatever way he intends. I WILL use this struggle for his purpose. Whether it be to encourage a stranger to hold onto hope. Whether it be to comfort a friend down the road who experiences a similar loss {heaven forbid}. All I know is that God needs to use this chapter of my life at some point and Ive got my ears up ready at all times. I thought, maybe I will be able to comfort and relate to my daughter someday, as my mom has to me. Or to Landon's wife, and Betsy has to me. All I know, is that this is now part of my story...and I find joy in that. It may be a hard chapter of my story, but it is what makes me relatable to others. Struggles are what break us to be able to relate to one anther, because we all struggle. Life is hard and having people to relate to makes i bearable. I PRAY that I can be somebody, someday, who can make life bearable for someone else.

When I knelt down and picked up my cross to follow Christ, I was freed from my sins. I was NOT freed from struggle and heartache and hurt. If we want to become more like Christ, we must embody ALL of who he is. And one of the greatest things about Christ was this death and suffering on the cross. So lest we forget that our call to follow Christ will bring us to our own cross time after time after time. The key is to make a purpose out of it. Christ's death on the cross had a HUGE purpose, and each of our sufferings does to. Can you imagine if Christ went through the pain for us, but for no purpose at all? Live your purpose. Endure your struggle. Because GOD has placed you there and is waiting to deliver you.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away

Its hard to put into words the feelings on my heart right now. Friday we had our ultrasound at the doctor's office. He was unable to get a reading, but because my uterus was tilted so far, he sent us to the hospital where they have an angled TV u/s and would be able to get a better reading. It began setting in once we were driving to the hospital, even though nothing had been confirmed. We registered, waited, and were finally taken back my the tech who sped through the tummy u/s like he had done it million times before and was on robot mode. I did, however, see the screen as the straight line stretched across. He than told me to get a gown on so they could do the TV u/s. He must have read my face because he asked, 'Im sorry am I going too fast?' I told him no, with tears in my eyes, but asked if there was a heart beat. Empathy washed over his face as he walked over to me and said, 'Im not authorized to confirm or deny anything. But I will say that you were looking at the same screen that I was.' Knowing at this point our baby was gone, I still had to go through the uncomfortable TV u/s and listen to him click away. He took the results to the radiologist who came in a few minutes later, gave his 'I know this must be difficult for you' and preformed the exam again himself to confirm. He was the first one to actually say to us, 'Im sorry, but all three of us were not able to find a heartbeat.' So...we drove back to the doctor's office where the sorrowful faces of the ladies at the front desk only made it sink in even more. The doctor discussed our options and let us go home to digest them. 'Its not your fault.' 'These things happen.' 'This has no affect on future pregnancies.' We went to go get Landon and head home.

When I saw my parents I lost it. But when I saw my son I realized something; He is perfect for us. God placed this child so perfectly in our lives. And if I believe that he is perfect for us than I also believe that any other children he gives to us are just as intended for our family as Landon was. I want the children God intended for me, and no others. He knows what is perfect for us and I trust that completely. So as sad as I am to have lost this baby, I accept that it wasnt meant to be. I just wish so badly that this would have been our baby. I havent felt the feelings of 'What did I do? Did I cause this?" Maybe its because going through this with friends, Ive heard it so much I know that it just isnt so. Im thankful for that. I feel no guilt, I merely feel sadness. And its hard to think of how long it will be before I get to actually meet my next child. Everything in my mind revolved around having this baby. I was keeping my schedule busy until November when I would know if I was going to have another little boy, or a little girl. I was transferring my wardrobe, pulling out maternity items. I knew by Easter our family would be four. I was beginning to sort through closets to begin shifting stuff to make room. So to begin accepting that none of that is happening is just hard to adjust to. Knowing that it takes a few months for my body to even be able to carry another child...than the 9 months that come after that. Going through the sickness, and migraines, and exhuasting of the first trimester again. Its all just so heavy.

Having to go to the hospital the next day, get checked in, hop into a bed, put a gown on , get IVs, all of it was just so hard. My hormones were off the charts, I couldnt stop crying and shaking. Being put out for the D&C. It all seemed like so much hoopla when I just wanted to move on. I will honeslty say it was probably the the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. But what doesnt break you makes you stronger, and I praise God for the strength he has grown in me.

And through it all, I find joy. I really do. Because I know that God is working his plan out in my life. Im not thrilled with the turn he has sent us on, but the end result will be perfect, so I will weather this storm and look at every detail to see God's purpose in it. I find joy in my friends who are now carrying children in their womb after a YEAR of struggle and heart ache. My heart BURSTS with joy. I know that they have weathered their storm and God has blessed them. This is their timing and I am so joyful for them. I thought this was our time too, but it just wasnt. I wish it was, because it seemed perfect. It was the timing we had planned perfectly for us. The age different between Landon and this child. I would get to be pregnant in the fall and winter, NOT the summer. It my mind, it was perfect. But that is what God is reminding me. He is in control, and I have to trust his plans and timing. No matter how perfect my plans may seem to be to me, if they arent God's plans...they are far from perfect.

I write this vulnerblity of my heart out of gratitude to all of you; the people who read my previous post and prayed for me. As much as my heart felt protective over sharing this information, I knew that having people pray was the best thing we could do. So I shared, and you prayed. So many people prayed. Which is again why Im joyful despite the pain. Because if so many people prayed for God's will to be done, I know that it was. And there is nothing better than living in God's will. I have the most loving and supportive husband whom I am eternally greatful for. We may fight and clash and struggle through life at times, but its experiences like this that you see each other's true charactor and love....and I wouldnt trade him for anything.

So, thank you all for your prayers. Continued prayer for healing and acceptance would be appreciated, but even more so I hope that this can touch your life in some way and remind you of God's love and to trust in the big picture. May it remind you, as it has for me, than God is in control and just when we think we can take the reigns, he WILL take them away from us. So trust in the Lord and he will show you a life you could never imagine possible. I know I am...and cant wait to see what that is.