Flowers? Nope
Romantic Dinner for two? Nope
Jewelry? Nope
Anything out of the ordinary at all? Nope
Expectations? ZERO
Here's the thing. I've been on this sort of journey the last couple years. Well, this particular chapter of my journey atleast. Lately, Ive been revelling in the process that has gotten us here and the outcomes that have transformed. To risk ruining my creditibility for the remainder of this post...Im going to quote something from the Bachelor a few weeks ago. Tenley asked Jake, "What are your expectations of marriage? Because everyone has them, whether they realize it or not." NOTE: Given Tenley is a strong woman of faith, creditable my many of my friends, and has gone through a valley of marriage that justifies a mature view...I feel confident using this as a creditble quote:) haha
Anyway, the comment really stirred in me thoughts and realizations that have been forming in me over the last couple years. I....am a romantic. Like seriously, the more lovey and thoughtful and creative and magical the better. Im not going to put on a touch chic exterior....I love me some Nicholas Sparks. Stuffed animals, flowers, ballons...no. But thoughtful, creative romantic. Yes please! So, naturally, my expecations of marraige were romance, romance, and more romance. (Yes, that's what happens when you get married at a mere 20 years old.) Needless to say our first string of marriage was more fighting, crying, and 'what was I thinking' moments. See, Kirk and I arent the best friends, common interests, mirror image of one another type of couple. We more often look at each other and say, 'Really?' And yet, the easy fit aside.....we love each other so deeply we both tear up when we really think about it. And the reality is that God created us for one another. I fully fully believe that. The way we met each other, the timing, our lack of common interests, and yet...almost instant love? A God thing, alone.
Once marriage came, we, like SO many people, were absolutely clueless. Yes, there is a learning curve involved, but more than that we had the tainted view of marriage created by the world. A Christian version of it, but still a wordly interpreted one. See, Im not by nature the domestic, submissive, servant wife. Its definatly a personality trait, and Im just not that. So the first few years I was coming from the stand point of "If I do it for him now, just once, he's going to expect it the rest of our life. No way!" (Advice, mind you, given to me before we got married.) I expected romance, which didnt come my way. And Kirk isnt a romantic by nature, and tends to completely shut down if being told he did something wrong. Day after day this marraige began unfolding that freaked me out. Not at all what I had thought. But being my stubborn 'fix it' self, I drug every last issue out until there was nothing left. Did I mention that Kirk comppletely shuts out? Nothing left except resentment, high walls, and road blocks.
Than I starting reading this book. Clearly, there is no better guide in life than the Word of God itself, but I have referenced the scriptures given and feel like this man has prayerfully and succesfully portrayed God's word in a means of representation and explanation that BLEW MY MIND. For being a romantic and placing marriage higher than any other priortiy in my life...I had it all wrong. 'Sacred Influence' by Gary Thomas literally saved me. It painted a picture of what GOD designed marriage to look like. And how if we dont follow it COMPLETELY, it WILL NOT WORK. Did you catch that? IT WILL NOT WORK. Im not going to reiterate the whole book but I will with FULL FORCE recommend you reading it. (Note: I also highly recommend Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas and Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs. We did the video series on this, so Im not quite sure how the book compares.)
More than anything I've realized the importance of serving as Kirk's wife is my calling from the Lord. Its not about Kirk, and whether or not he deserves it (because lets face it, neither of us deserve it), its about me serving God. I realized that I cannot change Kirk, and the more I try the more God is going to freeze him. I can rag and rag and rag but he will not change a thing until I surrendor it to God. God can change him, in the ways he truly needs change. When I am frusterated with something, I dont go to Kirk, I go to God. I ask God that if my feelings are truly justified, to lay it on Kirk's heart and convict him to change. I also realized that resentment will keep any marriage from getting anywhere. A sacrifical surrendor of self has to be played in order for there to be room for God. (Easier said than done, yes.) Quotes from the book struck me like, "What if the very thing about your husband that drives you absolutely nuts is the one way God is trying to work in you the most?" It takes a recognition that God is present in EVERY part of your marraige. Every argument, every annoying trait, every feeling. He is trying to use all of it to form you as individuals and as a couple. Are you letting him? And lastly, Ive realized that it works. It truly, truly works.
Yesterday morning Kirk and I exchanged cards over breakfast. Cards bought pre-the actual day (wow!), and enscribed with thoughtful loving words. We sat there happy and content on Valentine's Day...literally a first so far in our 5 years. EVERY other year started with a fight and ended with a fight. No joke. Partly my disappointment in lack of expecations being met and partly him no longer giving a rats ass:) See, women have this expecation of marriage and love to be romantic, like we see on TV, movies, songs, books, etc from the time we are little girls. Men know its not real, so they just sit back and wait for their wives to realize it. When what needs to happen is that women need to realize that isnt real life, but men also need to realize that as much as romance to the 'movie-degree' may not be real, its still a deep, deep part of who women are. They may not be able to give it in as full force as we dream it up to be, but they need to try to meet it to whatever extent they can.
Anyway, I looked at Kirk and I said, "Babe, this is our first Valentines Day we arent fighting. We made it:)" He said, "Ya, we really did." (A weight so clearly no longer present.) You see, Ive seen a change in Kirk over the last several months, and Ive felt a change in myself.
I than asked him, "What do you think the biggest change as been?" (Mind you, this process Ive been on has been personal...something Ive been working on in myself.) He says, "I really just feel like you've given everything over to God, and I feel convicted by him about things and realize areas I really need to change."
Ladies, Im telling you. It works. God's perfect design for marraige WORKS. Did you expect any less? Did I? All I know is I was so lost and so confused that I didnt know what was going to make things right. And yet, its as simple as clearing myself of what the world had created in my mind for a marriage to be, and learned CLEARLY what God's design was. Men need respect. Women need love. There is a make up we both posses that has to be nurtured and awknowledged. It's that simple. But patience and diligence is necessary. Another quote from the book says, "Too many young women want to immediatly reap a long-term investment from an initial deposit called "marraige."
Lose the expectations. Lose the resentment. Take a fresh deep breath...and get that book! Im no dumby....we still have a long road ahead. But Im finally excited for that journey because I know that everything God created is good:)
