Ok, so most of my posts are about Landon or my photography. Very rarely have I just spouted off about what Id been feeling or thinking. But, I figured since I moved my photography to another blog, and I enjoy reading other people's blogs with their thoughts and journey...Id give it a go.
Over the last few months it seem like Ive been made speechless over some horribly infortunate reality brought to people in my life. Ok, mostly speechless. Speechless for me doesnt mean I have nothing to say...it just means Im not entirely certain what to say, but I always try. There are a few people in my life right now who are struggling in their faith. They have searched for so long to find relief from their life's struggles and to feel the love of God...but have been left dry. This is something I have never experienced myself. I always beleive that God is in control, even when I dont see how he could be or wonder if he will ever come through for me. Trust me, I struggle with a lot of things...that just isnt one of them. So when I hear these people, who I love so dearly (and who have always had faith that has encouraged myself) have doubt....Im speechless. I try to comfort them by giving scripture or encouragement. Frankly, they dont want to hear it anymore. They want to experience it finally. They want to understand. I wonder if I would be the same way in their situations?
My best friend has been stretched more than anyone should in our human eyes. 6 weeks ago her husband was diagnosed with cancer. Two surgeries later he still faces chemo ahead. In the midst of their sorrow, they were blessed with a miracle pregnancy...only to be taken away a few weeks later. I just dont understand. It seems so sick...not something a loving God would do. If we believe God has a plan we cant just believe it when things are good, we have to believe it even when things are harder than we feel like we can even handle.
I dont say this for my friends, I say this all for me. I say this as what God is trying to teach me, I believe. God has a different lesson for them, Im sure.
For me, I began to think realistically. When we signed on to take up our cross and follow Christ, it wasnt a paved yellow brick road. He never promised us a life of pure happiness and joy. We signed on for suffering. "...so too we must partake in his sufferings to experience the joy he has for us." In our human understanding and function, when we hear that God has a plan we think that that means something good for us. Maybe his plan is for us to suffer? But where there is no promise for joy here on earth, there is promise of joy everlasting in heaven.
Im gonna throw this out and when I did at small group several weeks ago everyone just stared at me as if I was really weird:) So this may just be my wierd little brain but bare with me. As believers, everything we do here on earth is for Christ...so that we may ultimatly get to heaven. So in a way...isnt it a little selfish? I mean ya we say that we will "suffer for Christ," but only cause we get the reward of heaven. Would you suffer for Christ here on earth if you didnt have the promise of Heaven? Would you literally give your life and all eternity for Him? God doesnt ask us to because he loves us and doesnt want us to go unrewarded...but still. Would you do it if that were the deal? All of this nonsense led me to this. Our entire life here on earth could plain suck. His "plan" for us could be a life of constant testing and heartache. Do you think? I mean, when we believe that God has a plan that doesnt mean that if we really truly believe that, that everything will eventually be hunky dory. Atleast not here on earth. But in heaven...it WILL! It absolutly NO doubt, no confusion, no MAYBE-WHAT IF-BUTs about it. THAT is his plan...for you to get to heaven...the reward he created for you.
So when I see people struggling in their lives, or when I sit and cry for my best friend and feel so betrayed by God that we could hurt my friends so deeply...I just have to remember the ultimate promise....eternal life. And I entirely believe that what you bear here on earth with faith and hope in Christ will be REWARDED up in heaven. So those people who are facing so much heartache here on earth...my heart breaks for them. But at the same time part of my heart can smile because when they take on those hurts and hold their head high focused on the King...they are racking up dividends in HEAVEN!
I dont even know what this rambling leads to. I just know that as much as I try to break down to a point of questioning my faith and the reality of God to further understand where my friends might be at....I just cant get there. I cant doubt...no matter how hard I try. And like I said, I struggle in a lot of differerent areas. But for now, this isnt one of them. And thats the beauty of the community of Christ. While some are struggling, others can stand strong...and eventually the roles will change. But right now, in this role, I will be a pillar for Christ that best that I can. My best friend is dealing with more than anyone should, and she is the one inspiring me. Her reckless faith, her faith cant be shattered. Yes she is angry. She is hurt. She in confused. But she still believes. She still sees Gods hand in it, someway. She is the most inspiring person I have ever met.
