Selfishness

This is a topic that has been stirring in me for the last several weeks. I lead a bible study for a group of freshman girls and Im taking them through a book where one of the chapters was about selfishness. As I've told the girls each week, though the book is directed at teenagers, the concepts effect all ages. I still deal with not putting my worth in guys (for me, its just my husband). I still deal with insecurity in friendships. I still deal with constant body image issues. These may be new and relevant to these teenage girls, but sadly they are not just for teenagers. The great thing is that if they can begin to develop a God view in these areas at such a young age, they will we have a much easier time of handling them as grown women. And so, although I have been able to relate in some way to each chapter we have gone through, it is the chapter on selfishness that has continued humming on my heart like a guitar string left to ring out.

Selfishness, obviously, is a sin. It's one of those sins that we don't necessarily have to refrain from the temptation of, its more of a constant battle against something that is the natural result of sin living within us. One thing the author mentioned in setting the stage for the chapter was how we are all selfish. Sure, you can immediately think of those blatantly selfish people in your life but to some degree we are all selfish. We all think about our own needs, or own benefit, our own wants. Of course, it is healthy to take care of ourselves and be confident and work hard to further ourselves. It's when we don't put God in the path we are fighting for that we lose a healthy view. I fell in love with this quote she wrote:

"Choosing to follow Jesus is not just about praying a prayer or avoiding certain attitudes or behaviors. When we give our lives to God, He begins a full-scale overhaul of our hearts, chipping away at our ugly self-centeredness and reshaping us to be like Jesus."

As God has continued stirring' this in my heart, I've really began to see the selfishness in my own life. I don't think I'm a blatantly selfish person, but I've been more aware of my motivation and examining the selfishness within it. Its been disgusting, to be honest. Through prayer I began asking God to take me to the extreme. Help me to strip away all selfishness and see what life would be like. It began to bring together several deep thoughts I've had over the last couple years.

About two years ago I had this sort of realization. I thought, in a way, Christianity is sort of selfish. I mean, we except Jesus into our hearts so that we can go to Heaven. We step out in faith and give with our money, our time, and our hearts.....with the promise of His blessings on our lives. I wonder...would you (or me) still be a Christian if there were no promises of blessings? Would you follow the creator of the universe who loves you more than you could ever fathom and sacrificed his son for your sins....without these promises? Isn't that, in essence, what Christ did? He came and died for OUR sins, with NO promise that we would follow him. He did that for us knowing that many, maybe even most, would never acknowledge it. THAT is pure selflessness. As we journey to be more like Christ, I think that is an image we really need to begin transforming in our minds. What is PURE selflessness? Would you follow Christ and change the world for him if you didn't get to go to heaven? OF COURSE...HE WOULD NEVER ASK US TO. He is a good and loving God who ENJOYS blessing us and is EXCITED for us to get to heaven! My question is more of a trigger to get us thinking about what our motivation is in everything that we are doing here on earth, including following Christ.

You know how sometimes when you start to think about the reality of God's love, the reality of Heaven being a place and that we will be there for eternity....your mind kind of starts to explode? It's literally unfathomable. At some point we have to just play the faith card so we can relax our brains! (Maybe its just me.) Nonetheless, I had to make this idea more real and tangible so I started applying it in my own life. I started to think about what complete selflessness in my life would look like.

I love the idea of God seeing a panoramic view of our lives. Sort of like a life timeline all in one view, looking down and seeing it all at once. We, however, see our lives like a long road. As we travel it, we see new things but God sees it all at once. He sees the cause and effect of everything. He sees where choices will take us and why. There is a sign at my son's preschool as you leave the parking lot that says "You are now entering the Mission field." I thought about that word 'Mission.' I thought about my life as a mission, sort of like in the military. Soldiers are sent out to accomplish a mission in the military. They chose certain soldiers equipped with certain skills to accomplish a task for the greater benefit of the war. God has a mission for me on this earth. It's benefit is for His kingdom come. Let me say that again. HIS BENEFIT IS for HIS kingdom come. You know what that means? Its NOT ABOUT ME. My benefit was never a factor in the equation. Again, because He loves us He will take care of us in the ways HE knows we need it, but those desires and needs on our hearts, those things that flame the selfishness in us....they aren't part of the equation.

Marriage: What would you do if in praying to God and asking him to reveal is purpose for you life, He told you that it was to meet the needs of your spouse, no matter what? If your part in His mission was to make your spouse happy and complete. Maybe its to be a good friend, daughter, mother, etc. What if He told you that these people in your life would never meet your needs back. Ever. That your life would be hard and full of sacrifices and selflessness and trials? BUT, your reward was in heaven. In essence, life on earth would full on SUCK for you by putting all of your focus on making OTHERS fulfilled. Would you do it?

Again, God doesn't ask this of us. He loves to bless us and bring joy to our lives. This has merely been an extreme that God has taken my heart to to help me fully realize how small I am and how little my needs really matter in the whole scale of time and in His ultimate plan. I wanted to share this because although extreme, I think by taking our hearts to this place we can start to form a more humble view of our place on this earth and really begin to be transformed from our selfishness into looking more life Christ and fulfilling the need He has for US here on earth.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this issue. Do you think Im crazy? Am I contradicting something in the bible? I have never claimed to be savvy in the word. It is definitely a weakness of mine and I really really hope I can develop more diligence in learning the word. This blog is about what God puts on my heart and passing some of those thoughts and challenges onto other believers and hope to spur some deeper understanding of our relationship with Christ and his plan for our lives.

The power of my actions

I started this blog because there were so many things that God would reveal to me and I wanted to share those things with other people. Not because of anything I did, but at the chance that maybe God's challenge to me may also challenge someone else.

Sadly, I've yet to be able to find a routine and actually get my heart into words and onto this blog. Through a physically and emotionally straining pregnancy and living the last three 3 weeks both exhausted and enthroned by my beautiful baby girl....I just haven't found this blog topping my priority list. However right now I sit at my computer, BOTH kids asleep, the house in decent enough condition, plenty of lasagna left over from last night for another dinner....leaving nothing really to be done. I decided I would sit and share something that God revealed to me recently.

Three weeks ago I gave birth to my daughter. Without getting too far off topic I will just sum up that my pregnancy was difficult. Physically and emotionally. I was literally depressed for many months. I struggled with connecting with her. When we had the ultrasound and found out we were having a girl, I couldnt believe it. It was literally too good to be true. A boy and than a girl, just what I had always dreamed. With my son, I had this over whelming desire to TEACH him. Teach him how to be a man of God, a romantic, how to treat women, how to be a friend, how to be strong my understanding, how to be in the world but not of the world. I had, and still do have, this excitement to get to teach him and form into a remarkable human being. Shortly after he was born I wrote him a letter. I told him how much I loved him, my hopes for him and my prayers. I encouraged him and let him know my deepest desires as a mother. Its a letter that even today, 3 years later, fully encompasses what I want him to know from my heart. With my daughter, the feeling was different. Yes, I was excited to teach her all of those things too, but my excitement was drowned out with a panic. I felt an overwhelming sense of pressure. Yes, I could teach her, but more than anything she was going to learn all of those things by WATCHING me. I am her example, just like my husband is my son's. She will become a woman from my own heart and even more from my actions. She will learn how to 'be' from watching me. More than ever I felt a call (more like a demand) to truly live the life I needed to be living. Every response to a situation, every attitude I put on each day, every sacrifice I do and do not make, she will be watching me. I can teach her all I want, but more than ever I now need to 'Walk the walk, not just talk the talk." Because, she will see the difference. It was a charge God put on my heart and I have no deeper desire than to pick up that cross and follow him the best that I can, knowing that I will need His help every step of the way.

Once she was born I immediately had this urge to write her a letter as well. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, tell her the dreams I have for her and the prayers I will be praying for her. I wanted to encourage her and write profound words that might just reveal to her what my heart is truly feeling. It wasnt, however, as easy as with my son. The pressure and reality was just different. There werent words that could express to her fully what I wanted her to know. Words cant express it the way actions will.

I am so grateful for my children in more ways than I could list. You think the blog entry is long now...I would be well past nap times if I tried to express how grateful I am for my children. So, I will merely reflect on this one way in particular; because of them I will NEVER stop living for the Lord. There is nothing in life that will get me down too much that I would stop living for the Lord. Their faith depends on it. It is an urge I feel every day. And I am so grateful to experience a son and daughter and the different challenge they both bring to my faith.

For anyone who is reading this, I hope this challenges you as well. To parents, remember that your children are learning from you even when neither of you realize it. How many times have you done something and said "Oh my gosh Im turning into my mom/dad."??? It happens even without realizing it. We have the opportunity to form our children into incredible servants for the Lord. We HAVE to make sure to take up our cross and follow Him daily, because they WILL follow our lead.

"Direct your children on the right path and when they are grown they will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6

Praying for our Children

As I await the arrival of my daughter, I find this almost foggy wall developed between me and her. Its a combination of it not really feeling real and not being able to imagine a relationship as deep as what I have with my son with another child. Add to that the fear of losing this child as I did the child last summer and it brings me into a whirlwind of emotions. Oh...probably add some hormones in the mix, too!

I reached out to my girlfriends in Christ last week and asked for prayer. Prayer for any distraction, fear, or hesitation the enemy has planted on my heart to be lifted. (Note: I could not be more grateful for these women in my life. As Woody on Toy Story Says: Moving buddy (or in this case friends in Chirst)...if you dont have one, get one!" Yes...Im well aware that I just quoted Toy Story.

Anyhoo...I was so grateful of their loving responses to my cry. Not one of them wrote me and said, "You have every right to feel the way you do. Its totally legit." Nope. They all called me out...reminded me of where my heart should be. THAT'S WHAT WE NEED PEOPLE! We need to be called out when we are failing. Comfort is not the best way to be a friend. Sometimes we need to be the accountability each other is desperate for. They may not be seeking it....but ultimatly they need it. Its a tough thing...I know. Even me, who believes STRONGLY in accountability through love, finds it difficult to call a friend out when they are struggling. But, true love does what is necessary not what is easiest.

On a side note, one of my dear friends responded to my email with this reference she heard at a baby shower this last weekend. It talks about how our children are not our own. They are the Lord's. I remember this being SO profound to me when I was pregnant with my son. I knew that he was God's child and that God had chosen my husband and I to raise him here on earth. I wanted nothing more than for God's will to be formed in his life...and that is still the desire of my heart. During the last weeks of my pregnancy, impatiently awaiting the arrival of my son, God spoke to me. He reminded me that if I ultimatly wanted HIS will to be done in my son's life, there will be times when I will need to step back. There will be times when what I think is right for him may not be what God thinks is right for him. As much as I love my son...Im not God. And in the moment he showed me that if I wanted His will to be done in my son's life no matter my view, it started with his birth. When and how. It also became very heavy to me that if I were to trust God COMPLETELY with his life, I needed to be in prayer over him. I needed to hand him to God every step of the way. To be connected with God in an intimate way so that I hear clearly His voice telling me what to do for my son.

Prayer, people. The most powerful tool we have. When we get to moments when nothing makes sense and our control is exhausted...prayer is our life line. These verses a friend shared with me help me to go through the entire day in prayer for my child. And, not just my son, but my daughter to. I may not be able to feel connected to her right now for various reasons, but if it is my hearts desire to be...I must pray. Pray for her life, whatever that may be.

Here are the verses that you can pray for your child through out the day...lifting them to the Lord in every moment of the day.

1. When they wake up: "Let the morning bring (child's name) word of your unfailing love, for she has put her trust in You. Show (her/him) the way (she/he) should go, for to you (he/she) lifts up her soul." (Adapted from Psalm 143:8)


2. When they are getting dressed: "Therefore, as God's chosen child, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Lord, help (him/her) bear with others and forgive whatever grievances (he/she) has against others. Help (him/her) forgive as the Lord forgave (him/her). And over all these virtues, help (him/her) put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." (Adapted from Colossians 3:12-14)

3. While they are eating: "Teach (child's name) the secret of being content in any and every situation whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. Teach (him/her) that (he/she) can do everything through him who gives (him/her) strength." (Adapted from Philippians 4:12-13)

4. When they go out of the house: "(Name of child), do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-His good, pleasing and perfect will." (Adapted from Romans 12:2)

5. While they are taking a bath: Lord, give (name of child) clean hands and a pure heart, and let (him/her) not lift (his/her) soul to an idol or swear by what is false. Let (him/her) receive blessing from the Lord and vindication from God (his/her) Savior. Let (him/her) be part of the generation of those who seek him, who seek your face, O God of Jacob. (Adapted from Psalm 24:4-6)

6. When they are going to bed: "The Lord Your God is with you; he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, be will rejoice over you with singing." (Zephaniah 3:17)

7. While they are sleeping: "I pray that (name of child) will do everything without complaining or arguing, so that he/she may become blameless and pure, a child of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which he/she shines like a star in the universe as he/she holds out the word of life-in order that he/she may boast on the day of Christ that he/she did not run or labor for nothing." (Adapted from Philippians 2:14-16)

Rejoice!!

"Today is the day the Lord has made. Let us REJOICE and be glad in it!"

Today, at 12:53a, my best friend gave birth to her baby girl!. This was no ordinary baby. This baby has a story.

Mom and Dad decided it was time to start a family.

Began "trying" and it took about 6 months.
Baby on board...for about 11 weeks than was called to be with the Lord.

Mommy and Daddy grieved, but began trying again.

6 months later...baby on board again!

9 months later big sister is born.

1 year later Daddy gets the terrifying word: Cancer. Surgeries later...more kids are unlikely.

1 month later...baby on board.

5 weeks later, baby was called to be with the Lord.

2 months later...baby on board. Again, this baby went to be with the Lord. Heartache and fear and uncertainty flood their hearts.

But still...they held onto the promises of the Lord.

2 months later...baby on board! 9 months later (TODAY!!!) this baby came into the world.

As I sang on the worship team (ancy to get out of there and go see this sweet baby!) I was filled with joy as we sang the words; "Today is the day you have made...I will rejoice and be glad in it..."

You see, all along the way. Through the cancer and the miscarraiges today, May 30th, was THE day the Lord had made for them. The day HE knew was coming...and THEIR faith brought them to it.

Today is an incredible day because it reminds me that no matter what storm we may be weathering....there is a day the GOD can see when the sun will shine in our lives again. Ive always loved the thought "God has no sense of time, just timing." Its so true. We see our lives as though we are looking down a long road. He sees our lives from a peripheal stand point. He knows all of our days and how the seasons we are bearing WILL end.

Will you trust God today? Whatever you may be struggling with or facing. He WILL deliver you. There WILL be a day.

But also hold fast to James 1:6-7:

"But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed in the wind."

You MUST believe that God CAN bring you to that day. He wont deliver you if you dont believe that He can and will. Read James 1. Its an INCREDIBLE chapter in the bible!

Patience Please!!!

I just wanted to write a quick note to let any readers I may have know that you are in the right spot! I transfered some of my old blogs over here but have yet to get anything new up. Trust me....Ive had sevearl thoughts I've wanted to share. Just havent had time to sit down and type them out! Like for instance, right now. If I dont get in the shower now....I wont get one before you know who wakes up.

So...stay tuned! I promise Ill get something up soon!

~Jenna

Where it all began...

I decided to start this blog so there would be a seperation from my entries about my family and adorable child(ren) and those from my heart...where God speaks to me and asks me to share it with others. So, for those of you who have followed our personal blog and have felt any encouragement, conviction, or for whatever reason just liked reading my entries...this is where I will be from now on.

~Jenna

Be still and know....

Psalm 46:10

"Be still and know that I am God."

This is a verse that has haunted me for as long as I can remember being a follower of Christ who seeked to grow closer to Him and become less of me. My mind is constantly running. Analyzing, thinking, wondering, creating. I'll be perfectly honest, this has done a doozy on our marraige in the past. Id stand there yelling at Kirk begging him to tell me what he was thinking. He would say, "I dont know. Nothing." I thought he was full of it. I didnt understand how NOTHING could be on his mind. There was always something...many things...on mine. I was challenged once to just "be still and know that is God." Just to be still and be silent. Whew....an impossible thing to ask of me, but I did it. And I can tell you right now that it is the most powerful thing in the world. See, Im in constant conversation with God. Every thought I have is like a converstaion with Him. Everything I see that makes me laugh, I laugh with him. I just feel this presence with me all the time. I pray for and see Him inthe little things. Im grateful for that, but its also a way that keeps me from ever really stopping in my life and being silent with Him. I feel like because Im constantly meeting with him through every tedious moment of the day, I dont need to stop and meet with him.

But I do.

The power of being silent and just letting God take control of my mind and my heart is priceless. Having him directmy thoughts. Not ME including him in what Im doing, but being completely empty and letting HIM direct where we go together. Its when I feel loved by Him more than ever. Ladies, you know what Im talking about. We could plan a romantic weekend with our hubby and have a wonderful time. But how much better would it feel to know that HE planned it. HE planend every thoughtful and loving detail and moment for YOU? Its what we were created to need. As women we are created with this endless need to be loved and adored. And the reality is....a man cannot meet that need. Maybe some are better at it than others, but I know whole heartedly that there is not a single man who can meet every need of a woman. I mean...why would God make him to?

See....I ruined my phone last Thursday. I accidently knocked it into the washing machine (for like .2 seconds) and it was a gonner. Without my phone....Ive had this quite solitude where there is nothing but me and God. Landon went to my mother in law's house on Friday and is again with Daddy at work today. The silence has been so enriching. God has shown me an array of things I know He really wanted me to hear. And the funny thing is, I didnt go on some huge spiritual journey to have to figure it out. He just told me. I got quite, allowed him to talk, and he just simply told me. It makes me think of all the times I just kept going in life and never let my world be quiet enough for Him to talk....what else has He simply wanted to just tell me?

On Friday God told me to be silent and go sit and meet with him. I was revelling in how much just doing that made me feel loved by him in such a tender way, a way I yearn to feel from my husband (the way we all do). He said to me, "Why would I create man (or woman) to fully love their mate in everyway that they needed? They would never have a reason to come to me." I think about all the times we've said (with frustration, mind you) "Why did God make men and women so differenet?!?!" Well....this is exactly why. The butting of heads and the clashing of spirits. Its because we are not meant to fit perfectly together. There is a middle piece that connects us; Christ. Only He can truly love me the way I need to be loved. And in the deepest desires of my heart, I dont think he's going to let Kirk ever meet that. He knows how deeply I yearn for that and if Kirk met it....I wouldnt recognize the sweetness of when God does.

The other thing God has laid on my heart (completely unrelated) has to do with a very special appointment we have this week:) On Thursday we have our 21 week ultrasound. Among many other important things the doctor will be looking at, we will find out the gender of our newest child. I cant even tell you how long this has felt. With the miscarraige and getting pregnant just a few months later, I have felt like Ive been pregnant since July and STILL dont know what we are having. We'll be 3 days shy of our original due date at this ultrasound apt and it just feels like the longest, slowest process. BUT, I can also tell you again how SWEET this moment will be. It always is a remarkably thing to experience, but whenever you wait longer for something, the final moment is like a choir filling your hear with a joyous song. And I wont lie. Everyone has asked me the fateful question; "What are you hoping for?" I mean, come on. Of course we would love to have a little girl. We have an incredible boy and all that we have experienced with him in these last alomst 3 years have been incredible. Most of them, clearly boy moments. We would love to experience both. The little girl moments that we would never have with boys. But...like every other parent...we would be elated with another boy too. A brother for Landon. A relationship between them that is completely seperate from us. Yes, this child will be OUR child, but it will be LANDON'S sibling. We are giving something to him. That is really cool to me. Anyway...what God sort of painted out for me yesterday was this incredible reminder that He did not HAVE to give us this child Im carrying. For whatever reason we all feel like we are entitled to have OUR children. Its our turn, our generation to start a family. I was in church and saw this building full of people worshiping the Lord. The song in worship sang:

"Now let your church shine as the bride,
that you saw on your heart as you offered up your life."

I pictured Kirk as I had walked down the aisle. The tears he was holding in, the smile he was fighting back trying to look strong, his eyes locked on mine the entire time I walked down the aisle. I pictured Christ with that same look, right into my eyes as he laid on the cross. And than I looked around and realized every person in that room was getting the same look from Christ. The eyes locked in as though no one else mattered. Someone once painted this picture for me of how God views the world. He has no sense of time, just timing. He sees the world from day 1 to the day Christ comes back in a panoramic view. He has a plan all lined out. This life we walk we only see with our tunnel vision. He looks at our life from above and how we relate and connect with each other. He places people where HE needs them, not where THEY need to be. And I thought about this child in my womb and how ridiculously selfish it was for me to think that I was entitled to this baby. The truth is, if God didnt need this child, He wouldnt have given it life. This isnt about me and what I want my family to look like and the children I want to raise and to experience. I am tool for Christ. And if he needs me to be an instrument to bring a life onto this earth that He has a plan for....what an incredible honor.

And He reminded me also that I was created for the children He will give me. He already knew what children I would have and my entire life He has been forming me through experiences and circumstances to be the mother THESE children will need. That's why a mother's intuition is so powerful. That's why we know our children so well. Those children were given to us as a perfect fit. And in the moments I will face when I dont have a clue what to do as a parent, turning to God will be my source of direction because somewhere deep within, I will know. Maybe God was forming me to be a mother of sons. Maybe he took me through a journey that I needed to know in order to raise a daughter. I dont know...but this ultrasound is so exciting to find out WHO God has been forming me to raise.

I can only imagine how confusing this post might be:) I sat her quite awhile rambling my heart. But hey, maybe it'll encourage someone in even a slight way that it encouraged me. And in the slightest, I encourage you to find time...MAKE time.....to be silent with God this week. On this week before Easter, Wednesday was the day Jesus took to be in prayer with the Lord. Silence with Him and his Father. If ever there was a more powerful example of how important solitude in prayer is.

Look for a post (probably Friday) to see what little one we will be waiting for!!!

Oh, what a journey so far...

So I hit the 17 week mark in my pregnancy. Seriously, feels like its taking forever! With the first pregnancy, every little thing is exciting and new. Now, I just want to a.) feel the baby, b.) know what the baby is, and c.) just have the baby already! Well, Saturday night we got "A" atleast. It was so cool to feel this little one move. I have been feeling little weird flickers for about a week, but really Im pretty sure that was gas or something (why be descreet, right?). Anyway, Friday night we were watching a movie and I felt a for sure roll inside. It went on for about 15 minutes. Very small movements, but definatly rolling around!

This moment meant so much to me.....

See, this pregnancy has been sort of weird. Given our loss last summer, the first trimester becomes like the silence before a storm. We were excited, but didnt fully awknowledge it. We were happy, but didnt outwardly smile. There was always...a chance. And really, with any pregnancy there is always a chance, but once you've experienced a loss, the chance feels a lot more real. We waited it out...from weeks 6 to 11 we just sort of floated. It just didnt feel real yet, other than my stationary position on the couch and gingerale and my fingertips 24/7. After hearing the heart beat again at 11 weeks we began to really let it sink in and accept that by all likelihood, this was really going to happen this time. It was weird though, having sort of minimized our feelings over it, it was hard to flip a switch and all the sudden be exctatic. It was a slow transition. Not out of any lack of love for this child, but more of caution I think.

By week 13 it was finally settling into reality. That is, until I got a call at about 8:00 in the evening. It was from the dermatologist I had gone to to have a mole looked at. It was on my upper torso, and by as much as I can remember...had shown up during Landon's pregnancy. Id had it looked at before and it was fine. My midwife asked about it during my exam and I said that it may have gotten bigger, I wasnt really sure. She suggested that, to be safe, I should have it looked at, so I did. The dermatologist wasnt too worried but decided to do a biopsy just incase, given the fact that I was pregnant. The results, than, were a surprise to all of us. Melanoma. Cancer.

Definatly one of the more scary words you will hear in your life, especially when you are pregnant and have another life depending on your own. Kirk and I went in the next day and got the low down on what this means. The good news: it was a thin, slow growing melanoma. The best to have of any. Simply removing the remainder of the mole should take care of it. Of course, than we had to be given all of the "what ifs" which was terrifying and yet.....I had an ever present peace. We shared with family for prayers but kept it mostly on the downlow to avoid any rumors, unanswered questions, etc. went in the next week for the surgery to remove the mole. Well....what I thought was the mole. Ended up being about a 6"x1" flap of skin, scalpeled out, cauterized, clamped together, and suttered up with 21 stitches. Ill spare the details here, but lets just say it was WAY more intense that I expecting, I had a mild panic attack, and was laid up for about 5 days straight. It hurt, a lot. Horrible location. Boo.

I was finally feeling somewhat mobile by Sunday so we all got up and went to church. Like I said, I had had an overwhelming peace throughout all of this. A lot of it came from the fact that so many people have had this, it really was minor, and in all liklihood I had done all Id need to do. But yet....there was a chance. And for a moment I let it settle on my heart. The fear of dying. Of leaving behind my son and my husband. To not get to raise by son, teach him everything I want to teach him about the world and about God. To mold him into the man I can already see him becoming one day. For him to grow up without a mother and how that would effect him? And the baby in my womb. I had again completely shut off the reality of it's life inside of me out of fear of what may happen. I couldnt be attached to something I may not be able to keep. I knew without a doubt that if and when I got to hold that baby in my arms, I would love it every but as much as I love Landon. But until than....I just couldnt let it settle on my heart. It was the deepest state of emotion I cant put into words. And there, during worship, God spoke to me.

I had recieved a message from a girl from highschool earlier that week. A message thanking me for being an encouragment to her through my faith and to let me know that I had inspired her in some way. She is going through a difficult time in her family and for whatever reason, God had chosen to use me to bring her hope. It was an incredible feeling to know that God had used me as an instrument in someone's life. So as I stood there in church, worshiping, I had thanked God for this opportunity and I prayed for her family. Thats when he froze me and spoke clearly to me. He said, "If I promise to protect you and your family, will you go down this road? (referring to the battle of cancer.)" I was afraid, but also totally comforted. I knew that when God makes promises, he keeps them. I thought immediatly of my best friend and the promise God had given her of children. 3 miscarriages didnt deter from the second little girl she will be meeting this June. God kept his promise, and I knew He would keep this one too. There was an instant of pulling back before I fell into his arms and said, "Yes, father. I will. I want my life to be an instrument for you in anyway that will touch lives." For a moment it was like the wind was taken out of me. I had just made a really, really intense promise to the Lord. And I knew that he would keep up his end, but I feared what keeping up my end might entail. It was a ligitament fear, one I dont think was of sinful nature. Anyone, no matter how much they trust in the Lord, would find fear facing such a scary journey of pain and sickness. But, I agreed with my whole heart.

It was 11 days from my surgery to the day they called with the results. Good news! All the melonoma was removed. Treatment...check! I went in later that day and had my stitches removed and discussed prognsosis from here: checked every 6 months for 5 years.It was about 20 days from start to finish, but now Im back at that place trying again to let myself accept the life inside of me. Yearning for that ultrasound 5 weeks down the road. Yearning to connect with this little one. Id stopped reading my week by week book. I was even asked once how far along I was (yes, despite my mental block of this baby its physical presence is definaly there in the belly region!) and I honestly didnt know. I had to count on my fingers.

And than, Friday night, I felt it roll. The life inside of me. Making its presence known and unignorable (if that wasnt a word, it is now). Im back to the place of just wanting to hold this baby. Just wanting to know for sure that it made it. But for now....Ill take the little rolls and await that fateful ultrasound:) And, I know, that God made a promise to me along with a challenge that I ACCEPTED. For now, it was just a test. Maybe someday he will hold me to it. But atleast for now I showed God how much I loved Him and how much I desired to follow Him. I know that that pleased the Lord and that gives me a feeling of peace and protection that I am so grateful for. And Im grateful for this challenge because yet again, I was able to experience a new side of God and draw closer to Him than ever before.

What better gift could he give me than another child?

Best. Valentines. Day. YET!!!!!

Flowers? Nope
Romantic Dinner for two? Nope
Jewelry? Nope
Anything out of the ordinary at all? Nope

Expectations? ZERO

Here's the thing. I've been on this sort of journey the last couple years. Well, this particular chapter of my journey atleast. Lately, Ive been revelling in the process that has gotten us here and the outcomes that have transformed. To risk ruining my creditibility for the remainder of this post...Im going to quote something from the Bachelor a few weeks ago. Tenley asked Jake, "What are your expectations of marriage? Because everyone has them, whether they realize it or not." NOTE: Given Tenley is a strong woman of faith, creditable my many of my friends, and has gone through a valley of marriage that justifies a mature view...I feel confident using this as a creditble quote:) haha

Anyway, the comment really stirred in me thoughts and realizations that have been forming in me over the last couple years. I....am a romantic. Like seriously, the more lovey and thoughtful and creative and magical the better. Im not going to put on a touch chic exterior....I love me some Nicholas Sparks. Stuffed animals, flowers, ballons...no. But thoughtful, creative romantic. Yes please! So, naturally, my expecations of marraige were romance, romance, and more romance. (Yes, that's what happens when you get married at a mere 20 years old.) Needless to say our first string of marriage was more fighting, crying, and 'what was I thinking' moments. See, Kirk and I arent the best friends, common interests, mirror image of one another type of couple. We more often look at each other and say, 'Really?' And yet, the easy fit aside.....we love each other so deeply we both tear up when we really think about it. And the reality is that God created us for one another. I fully fully believe that. The way we met each other, the timing, our lack of common interests, and yet...almost instant love? A God thing, alone.

Once marriage came, we, like SO many people, were absolutely clueless. Yes, there is a learning curve involved, but more than that we had the tainted view of marriage created by the world. A Christian version of it, but still a wordly interpreted one. See, Im not by nature the domestic, submissive, servant wife. Its definatly a personality trait, and Im just not that. So the first few years I was coming from the stand point of "If I do it for him now, just once, he's going to expect it the rest of our life. No way!" (Advice, mind you, given to me before we got married.) I expected romance, which didnt come my way. And Kirk isnt a romantic by nature, and tends to completely shut down if being told he did something wrong. Day after day this marraige began unfolding that freaked me out. Not at all what I had thought. But being my stubborn 'fix it' self, I drug every last issue out until there was nothing left. Did I mention that Kirk comppletely shuts out? Nothing left except resentment, high walls, and road blocks.

Than I starting reading this book. Clearly, there is no better guide in life than the Word of God itself, but I have referenced the scriptures given and feel like this man has prayerfully and succesfully portrayed God's word in a means of representation and explanation that BLEW MY MIND. For being a romantic and placing marriage higher than any other priortiy in my life...I had it all wrong. 'Sacred Influence' by Gary Thomas literally saved me. It painted a picture of what GOD designed marriage to look like. And how if we dont follow it COMPLETELY, it WILL NOT WORK. Did you catch that? IT WILL NOT WORK. Im not going to reiterate the whole book but I will with FULL FORCE recommend you reading it. (Note: I also highly recommend Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas and Love and Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs. We did the video series on this, so Im not quite sure how the book compares.)

More than anything I've realized the importance of serving as Kirk's wife is my calling from the Lord. Its not about Kirk, and whether or not he deserves it (because lets face it, neither of us deserve it), its about me serving God. I realized that I cannot change Kirk, and the more I try the more God is going to freeze him. I can rag and rag and rag but he will not change a thing until I surrendor it to God. God can change him, in the ways he truly needs change. When I am frusterated with something, I dont go to Kirk, I go to God. I ask God that if my feelings are truly justified, to lay it on Kirk's heart and convict him to change. I also realized that resentment will keep any marriage from getting anywhere. A sacrifical surrendor of self has to be played in order for there to be room for God. (Easier said than done, yes.) Quotes from the book struck me like, "What if the very thing about your husband that drives you absolutely nuts is the one way God is trying to work in you the most?" It takes a recognition that God is present in EVERY part of your marraige. Every argument, every annoying trait, every feeling. He is trying to use all of it to form you as individuals and as a couple. Are you letting him? And lastly, Ive realized that it works. It truly, truly works.

Yesterday morning Kirk and I exchanged cards over breakfast. Cards bought pre-the actual day (wow!), and enscribed with thoughtful loving words. We sat there happy and content on Valentine's Day...literally a first so far in our 5 years. EVERY other year started with a fight and ended with a fight. No joke. Partly my disappointment in lack of expecations being met and partly him no longer giving a rats ass:) See, women have this expecation of marriage and love to be romantic, like we see on TV, movies, songs, books, etc from the time we are little girls. Men know its not real, so they just sit back and wait for their wives to realize it. When what needs to happen is that women need to realize that isnt real life, but men also need to realize that as much as romance to the 'movie-degree' may not be real, its still a deep, deep part of who women are. They may not be able to give it in as full force as we dream it up to be, but they need to try to meet it to whatever extent they can.

Anyway, I looked at Kirk and I said, "Babe, this is our first Valentines Day we arent fighting. We made it:)" He said, "Ya, we really did." (A weight so clearly no longer present.) You see, Ive seen a change in Kirk over the last several months, and Ive felt a change in myself.

I than asked him, "What do you think the biggest change as been?" (Mind you, this process Ive been on has been personal...something Ive been working on in myself.) He says, "I really just feel like you've given everything over to God, and I feel convicted by him about things and realize areas I really need to change."

Ladies, Im telling you. It works. God's perfect design for marraige WORKS. Did you expect any less? Did I? All I know is I was so lost and so confused that I didnt know what was going to make things right. And yet, its as simple as clearing myself of what the world had created in my mind for a marriage to be, and learned CLEARLY what God's design was. Men need respect. Women need love. There is a make up we both posses that has to be nurtured and awknowledged. It's that simple. But patience and diligence is necessary. Another quote from the book says, "Too many young women want to immediatly reap a long-term investment from an initial deposit called "marraige."

Lose the expectations. Lose the resentment. Take a fresh deep breath...and get that book! Im no dumby....we still have a long road ahead. But Im finally excited for that journey because I know that everything God created is good:)

The Power of a Heartbeat

Yes, Ive blogged this title before. It was the posting I did after realizing that our pregnancy last summer was of a baby who did not have a heartbeat. It was incredible to me how truly powerful that heartbeat really is. How the lack of hearing it makes your own heart beat feel like it pauses. It was a total moment of shock...I had never even considered that it wouldnt be there. That heartbeat had the power of changing my life.

But that's not what this post is about. THIS post is about a different power a heartbeat can have. The power the heartbeat has to make your heart explode with joy and your eyes with tears. Im talking about the heartbeat we heard today. The heartbeat of our 11 week old baby in utero. I had taken the positive test (who am I kidding, the two positive tests) on Dec. 4th. The next week I went to the doctor for them to check my levels and confirm that on all accounts so far, things were looking good. First appointment...check! Our next appointment was a week and a half later. The appointment to check for a heartbeat.

Needless to say I was nervous. Its incredible how instantly your heart connects and longs for that baby. I was 6.5 weeks pregnant but already couldnt stand the thought of seeing that look on my doctor's face again. In a attitude of prayer I prepared myself for the appointment and as we saw the little (I mean...really barely anything there) blob on the screen the sounds of the wooshing heartbeat filled the room....and filled my heart. That heartbeat had the power of bringing me both comfort and fear at the same time. It was still early. It was still too early to get connected.

The days and weeks passed and the reassurance from my lack of energy, hightened smell, feeling like crap 24/7, and stupidly growing boobs kept me encouraged. But it was today...this appointment....that I was waiting for. I've been anxious. Not really nervous, just anxious. My heart was prepared for the worst, but held onto the best. The doctor informed me that at 11 weeks its still fairly early and sometimes, depending on the position of the uterus, we still may not hear a heartbeat. "But that doesnt mean it's not there." Ok doc...that's not good enough. I need confirmation either way, and I need it today. Although I didnt say those words aloud Im pretty sure they were written across my face because she followed it by saying that if we couldnt pick it up with the doppler that we would do another transvaginal ultrasound to get a clear reading. My mind and heart simply paused. I never even considered not getting an answer today. I turned every part of me to the Lord and simply said, "God...I need this. Just please let me hear that heartbeat." It was a split moment of intestinal grumbling coming through the speaker before the wooshing began to fill the room again. I honestly didnt expect to, but I started to cry. So did the doctor. And Im thinking Kirk may have wanted to too but instead he just grabbed my shoulder and smiled. (Also...Im certain Landon would have smiled too if he a.) knew what was going on, and b.) wasnt enthraled in Monsters Inc->thank you iphone!)

I exhaled....a breath I had been holding since December 4th.

Although we arent quite into our second trimester, they've monitored it so closely that aside from developmental issues down the road...all signs point to happy and healthy pregnancy! Due date estimated at August 10, 2010 (ya, awesome I know). Peak of the summer heat. But you know what....I'll take it! Because come August 10th (or before, if Im really exposing my heart here) I will be holding this little baby. The one we have yearned for so deeply this last year.