Yes, Ive blogged this title before. It was the posting I did after realizing that our pregnancy last summer was of a baby who did not have a heartbeat. It was incredible to me how truly powerful that heartbeat really is. How the lack of hearing it makes your own heart beat feel like it pauses. It was a total moment of shock...I had never even considered that it wouldnt be there. That heartbeat had the power of changing my life.
But that's not what this post is about. THIS post is about a different power a heartbeat can have. The power the heartbeat has to make your heart explode with joy and your eyes with tears. Im talking about the heartbeat we heard today. The heartbeat of our 11 week old baby in utero. I had taken the positive test (who am I kidding, the two positive tests) on Dec. 4th. The next week I went to the doctor for them to check my levels and confirm that on all accounts so far, things were looking good. First appointment...check! Our next appointment was a week and a half later. The appointment to check for a heartbeat.
Needless to say I was nervous. Its incredible how instantly your heart connects and longs for that baby. I was 6.5 weeks pregnant but already couldnt stand the thought of seeing that look on my doctor's face again. In a attitude of prayer I prepared myself for the appointment and as we saw the little (I mean...really barely anything there) blob on the screen the sounds of the wooshing heartbeat filled the room....and filled my heart. That heartbeat had the power of bringing me both comfort and fear at the same time. It was still early. It was still too early to get connected.
The days and weeks passed and the reassurance from my lack of energy, hightened smell, feeling like crap 24/7, and stupidly growing boobs kept me encouraged. But it was today...this appointment....that I was waiting for. I've been anxious. Not really nervous, just anxious. My heart was prepared for the worst, but held onto the best. The doctor informed me that at 11 weeks its still fairly early and sometimes, depending on the position of the uterus, we still may not hear a heartbeat. "But that doesnt mean it's not there." Ok doc...that's not good enough. I need confirmation either way, and I need it today. Although I didnt say those words aloud Im pretty sure they were written across my face because she followed it by saying that if we couldnt pick it up with the doppler that we would do another transvaginal ultrasound to get a clear reading. My mind and heart simply paused. I never even considered not getting an answer today. I turned every part of me to the Lord and simply said, "God...I need this. Just please let me hear that heartbeat." It was a split moment of intestinal grumbling coming through the speaker before the wooshing began to fill the room again. I honestly didnt expect to, but I started to cry. So did the doctor. And Im thinking Kirk may have wanted to too but instead he just grabbed my shoulder and smiled. (Also...Im certain Landon would have smiled too if he a.) knew what was going on, and b.) wasnt enthraled in Monsters Inc->thank you iphone!)
I exhaled....a breath I had been holding since December 4th.
Although we arent quite into our second trimester, they've monitored it so closely that aside from developmental issues down the road...all signs point to happy and healthy pregnancy! Due date estimated at August 10, 2010 (ya, awesome I know). Peak of the summer heat. But you know what....I'll take it! Because come August 10th (or before, if Im really exposing my heart here) I will be holding this little baby. The one we have yearned for so deeply this last year.
