Over the last several weeks Ive been thinking back on the last year. Amazed at how time has flown by. And, amazed at the storms we've weathered.
In all {or I guess most} of our lives, we have rings of friends. There are those that are in your inner circle...your besties. The ones you do daily life with and your hearts are mended together in a special way. Than there is the ring of casual friends. Friends that tend to be at the same get togethers as you and you see often, but your hearts just arent as close as your inner circle. Than there are the very casual aquaintanaces that you would say hi to at the store, but you dont really know what's going on in their lives. And nowadays, you have your FB friends. People who you may not actually know, but is a friend-of-a-friend that you have since been connected to....and those who really arent your "friend," you just went to elementary school with them.
Atleast for me, those are my rings of friends. And, I am so THANKFUL for all of them. But I am most thankful for my inner circle. People who's heart are honestly mended to mine. The people I do daily life with. And for me, my inner circle stems from college, church, neighbors, and some randomly placed in my life from the Lord. Friendship has always been such a deep and profound thing to me....part of the reason why growing up, I didnt seem to have a lot of close friends. I think its something that comes with growing up. I, for whatever reason, 'developed' it early. Anyway, now...in my life....I have so many amazing friends I am undoubtedley THANKFUL for. My heary bursts with joy.
And yet....as I look back over the last year I cannot believe what we have had to weather {in our INNER circle. The people who's hearts are mended to mine.}
Death of a parent
Job loss
Cancer
Miscarraiges
Divorce
Questioning of faith
In one year! I look back at this year and Im stunned. Did we really just go through all of that? What a horendous year. I mean really. The tears that were cried. The hearts that were broken. The anger that formed. The fear that was festering.
And yet...I am truly THANKFUL. Not because I dont care about these people. I do. With all of my heart. My heart went through each of the trials along with them...becasue I love these people just like family. No, I am THANKFUL because through all of it....we had the Lord. That everytime we didnt understand why things were happening or we wondered if we would get through it, we could go and lay it at the foot of the cross. And, we did it together. I have an inner circle that does life together. Not just the good, but the horendous too. And I am amazed that after reminising the last year....my heart can truly find JOY. Not a forced joy, but a true JOY. Because despite all the hurdles that have been climbed....God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
The way I see it, this last year may have been a heavy one....but I have a feeling this is what life is going to be like. Life isnt easy. Sin is in the world. But knowing that I have a God to turn to every step of the way who is crying along with me...and friends who are going through life together with me....I can whole heartedly say that I AM THANKFUL.
Plus, my JOY comes from those same people who in the last year have expereinced:
New Jobs
Pregnancies
Renewed faith
Remission
Hope
Of course, Im undyinglying thankful for my smart, sweet, creative, polite, quirky, chatterbox little man and my devoted, hard working, kind hearted husband, too:)
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!
Monday, November 23, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
The beat goes on...sort of.
{Just as a pre-curser, you should know that as I sit here with my knee bouncing and my bottom lip bit....I am at a loss as to what to write here. Not because I have nothing to say, but because I have so much. But God has told me to sit down and write, so here goes...}
I havent really posted anything since the intense few days following our recent experience. Its not that nothing has been laid on my heart to share or express, its because every day is something new and intense. The first week following the loss I was a heartbroken zombie. The reminder never left my mind. The tears were always on deck. Week two was a little better, I was at least functioning, but had to go into the doctor for a follow up from the procedure which brought me back to a dark place. {When I say dark place I don't mean gloomy and without light. I mean my eyes closed and tears falling. There is a difference I have learned.} I had sorrow...but it too passed and I began to function again. The last two weeks have been great. I don't have to remind myself each morning of the loss or feel stabbed at the site of a pregnant woman or newborn. I have accepted what has happened and seen so clearly, already, a purpose out of this. {Knowing full well that God will continue to reveal purposes of it over the years of my life.}
I have had a lot of people tell me that they are 'inspired' by my strength. My initial reaction, being one who doesn't take compliments well {uncomfortable}, I sort of reside from it. But what I know now is that YES, I do have strength! A strength that is incredible. A strength that has delivered me from this with joy. BUT YOU MUST KNOW, this strength is not my own. It is a strength the Lord has given me. A strength I have been able to grow in me over the years of my life because I have chosen to humble myself before the Lord. So if you see my strength as inspiring or encouraging...GREAT!!! But I will not allow that to be the end of it. Please please do not look at my strength with envy or awe...see it as a light. A light showing YOU TOO the way to the cross. My God has given me this strength, and he can give you that same strength {and hope, and joy, and laughter, and purpose, and perspective}.
There is one overlying 'theme' to what God has grown in my heart through this experience and that is that THIS WAS HARD! It was, no matter how much strength or perspective he may have blessed me with. This has been so hard. But if you have ever carried a child, you know the miracle in which it all is. When you walk around for 9 months watching your belly grow, when you FEEL that child moving inside of you, and than, after 9 months of feeling something squirming INSIDE of you...an actual flipping human being comes out of you. Breathing. Kicking. Crying. Looking. I may be able to take a photo or sew a blanket, but folks I cannot create a human! Are you kidding me? GOD makes those babies. He grows those babies, and in the end he gifts us and entrusts us with His children. The Lord is in control, even when its not all smiles and giggles and celebrating. This child I carried for 10 weeks was a gift. Not in the sense I imagined it to be, but a gift. And after all the years I spend here on earth, no matter the heartache or the failure or the emptiness...I have a baby waiting for me in heaven. This is incredible to me. I didn't LOSE that baby...it got postponed. It is a belated gift. You know those gifts you know are coming and the closer you get you get more and more excited? That is how I feel.
I know this may sound silly to some, but God speaks to us all differently. This is how he talks to me:
When I was 11 my uncle died. My only uncle. I was young, but old enough to know what death was and that he was gone and I mourned for him. Shortly after his death I had a dream. I saw my uncle in heaven and he was holding a little boy's hand. The boy was about 6 and he looked like me. There was not even a moment when I wondered who that was. It was my brother. 6 years prior my mother had lost a baby at 5 months pregnant. He was in heaven...and my uncle was this him, holding his hand. About 5 years later I lost my grandpa to cancer. Shortly after his death I had the same dream. My uncle, my little brother, and than also my grandpa. All standing there together. It was incredible. The same dream, and I had forgotten about the first one till than. It was such a gift from the Lord. Well....a few days after I lost our baby I had the dream again. My uncle, my little brother, my grandpa... and in his arms, my baby. I cant tell you the joy that fills my heart, through the tears even as I write this. I cant tell you how many times I have looked at Landon, broken hearted, because I KNOW how much my grandpa would have loved him. Ya, as a great grandson, but more than that. I see him in Landon and just this little spark that would have lighted up my grandpa in such a special way. It makes me so sad. Landon may not get to meet him, but my other baby is in safe arms until the day I get to meet it. God knows I need to feel loved and cared for right now, and he does it in the most intimate ways. I will be running into the arms of those boys someday.
So back to that overlying theme he has layed on my heart; This Hurts. It does. Its hard, it breaks me, and it scars me. But what fires in my heart more than anything else is this thought; 'Ill be damned if I am going to go through this for nothing!' God does not EVER put us through a struggle without a purpose. Its a common saying, "God has a purpose and a plan." Maybe its just me, but I always tend to look to the future for that purpose. But God's purpose INCLUDES what we are going through, not just what will play out from or come of it. Each struggle has a purpose and I am going to use mine in whatever way he intends. I WILL use this struggle for his purpose. Whether it be to encourage a stranger to hold onto hope. Whether it be to comfort a friend down the road who experiences a similar loss {heaven forbid}. All I know is that God needs to use this chapter of my life at some point and Ive got my ears up ready at all times. I thought, maybe I will be able to comfort and relate to my daughter someday, as my mom has to me. Or to Landon's wife, and Betsy has to me. All I know, is that this is now part of my story...and I find joy in that. It may be a hard chapter of my story, but it is what makes me relatable to others. Struggles are what break us to be able to relate to one anther, because we all struggle. Life is hard and having people to relate to makes i bearable. I PRAY that I can be somebody, someday, who can make life bearable for someone else.
When I knelt down and picked up my cross to follow Christ, I was freed from my sins. I was NOT freed from struggle and heartache and hurt. If we want to become more like Christ, we must embody ALL of who he is. And one of the greatest things about Christ was this death and suffering on the cross. So lest we forget that our call to follow Christ will bring us to our own cross time after time after time. The key is to make a purpose out of it. Christ's death on the cross had a HUGE purpose, and each of our sufferings does to. Can you imagine if Christ went through the pain for us, but for no purpose at all? Live your purpose. Endure your struggle. Because GOD has placed you there and is waiting to deliver you.
I havent really posted anything since the intense few days following our recent experience. Its not that nothing has been laid on my heart to share or express, its because every day is something new and intense. The first week following the loss I was a heartbroken zombie. The reminder never left my mind. The tears were always on deck. Week two was a little better, I was at least functioning, but had to go into the doctor for a follow up from the procedure which brought me back to a dark place. {When I say dark place I don't mean gloomy and without light. I mean my eyes closed and tears falling. There is a difference I have learned.} I had sorrow...but it too passed and I began to function again. The last two weeks have been great. I don't have to remind myself each morning of the loss or feel stabbed at the site of a pregnant woman or newborn. I have accepted what has happened and seen so clearly, already, a purpose out of this. {Knowing full well that God will continue to reveal purposes of it over the years of my life.}
I have had a lot of people tell me that they are 'inspired' by my strength. My initial reaction, being one who doesn't take compliments well {uncomfortable}, I sort of reside from it. But what I know now is that YES, I do have strength! A strength that is incredible. A strength that has delivered me from this with joy. BUT YOU MUST KNOW, this strength is not my own. It is a strength the Lord has given me. A strength I have been able to grow in me over the years of my life because I have chosen to humble myself before the Lord. So if you see my strength as inspiring or encouraging...GREAT!!! But I will not allow that to be the end of it. Please please do not look at my strength with envy or awe...see it as a light. A light showing YOU TOO the way to the cross. My God has given me this strength, and he can give you that same strength {and hope, and joy, and laughter, and purpose, and perspective}.
There is one overlying 'theme' to what God has grown in my heart through this experience and that is that THIS WAS HARD! It was, no matter how much strength or perspective he may have blessed me with. This has been so hard. But if you have ever carried a child, you know the miracle in which it all is. When you walk around for 9 months watching your belly grow, when you FEEL that child moving inside of you, and than, after 9 months of feeling something squirming INSIDE of you...an actual flipping human being comes out of you. Breathing. Kicking. Crying. Looking. I may be able to take a photo or sew a blanket, but folks I cannot create a human! Are you kidding me? GOD makes those babies. He grows those babies, and in the end he gifts us and entrusts us with His children. The Lord is in control, even when its not all smiles and giggles and celebrating. This child I carried for 10 weeks was a gift. Not in the sense I imagined it to be, but a gift. And after all the years I spend here on earth, no matter the heartache or the failure or the emptiness...I have a baby waiting for me in heaven. This is incredible to me. I didn't LOSE that baby...it got postponed. It is a belated gift. You know those gifts you know are coming and the closer you get you get more and more excited? That is how I feel.
I know this may sound silly to some, but God speaks to us all differently. This is how he talks to me:
When I was 11 my uncle died. My only uncle. I was young, but old enough to know what death was and that he was gone and I mourned for him. Shortly after his death I had a dream. I saw my uncle in heaven and he was holding a little boy's hand. The boy was about 6 and he looked like me. There was not even a moment when I wondered who that was. It was my brother. 6 years prior my mother had lost a baby at 5 months pregnant. He was in heaven...and my uncle was this him, holding his hand. About 5 years later I lost my grandpa to cancer. Shortly after his death I had the same dream. My uncle, my little brother, and than also my grandpa. All standing there together. It was incredible. The same dream, and I had forgotten about the first one till than. It was such a gift from the Lord. Well....a few days after I lost our baby I had the dream again. My uncle, my little brother, my grandpa... and in his arms, my baby. I cant tell you the joy that fills my heart, through the tears even as I write this. I cant tell you how many times I have looked at Landon, broken hearted, because I KNOW how much my grandpa would have loved him. Ya, as a great grandson, but more than that. I see him in Landon and just this little spark that would have lighted up my grandpa in such a special way. It makes me so sad. Landon may not get to meet him, but my other baby is in safe arms until the day I get to meet it. God knows I need to feel loved and cared for right now, and he does it in the most intimate ways. I will be running into the arms of those boys someday.
So back to that overlying theme he has layed on my heart; This Hurts. It does. Its hard, it breaks me, and it scars me. But what fires in my heart more than anything else is this thought; 'Ill be damned if I am going to go through this for nothing!' God does not EVER put us through a struggle without a purpose. Its a common saying, "God has a purpose and a plan." Maybe its just me, but I always tend to look to the future for that purpose. But God's purpose INCLUDES what we are going through, not just what will play out from or come of it. Each struggle has a purpose and I am going to use mine in whatever way he intends. I WILL use this struggle for his purpose. Whether it be to encourage a stranger to hold onto hope. Whether it be to comfort a friend down the road who experiences a similar loss {heaven forbid}. All I know is that God needs to use this chapter of my life at some point and Ive got my ears up ready at all times. I thought, maybe I will be able to comfort and relate to my daughter someday, as my mom has to me. Or to Landon's wife, and Betsy has to me. All I know, is that this is now part of my story...and I find joy in that. It may be a hard chapter of my story, but it is what makes me relatable to others. Struggles are what break us to be able to relate to one anther, because we all struggle. Life is hard and having people to relate to makes i bearable. I PRAY that I can be somebody, someday, who can make life bearable for someone else.
When I knelt down and picked up my cross to follow Christ, I was freed from my sins. I was NOT freed from struggle and heartache and hurt. If we want to become more like Christ, we must embody ALL of who he is. And one of the greatest things about Christ was this death and suffering on the cross. So lest we forget that our call to follow Christ will bring us to our own cross time after time after time. The key is to make a purpose out of it. Christ's death on the cross had a HUGE purpose, and each of our sufferings does to. Can you imagine if Christ went through the pain for us, but for no purpose at all? Live your purpose. Endure your struggle. Because GOD has placed you there and is waiting to deliver you.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away
Its hard to put into words the feelings on my heart right now. Friday we had our ultrasound at the doctor's office. He was unable to get a reading, but because my uterus was tilted so far, he sent us to the hospital where they have an angled TV u/s and would be able to get a better reading. It began setting in once we were driving to the hospital, even though nothing had been confirmed. We registered, waited, and were finally taken back my the tech who sped through the tummy u/s like he had done it million times before and was on robot mode. I did, however, see the screen as the straight line stretched across. He than told me to get a gown on so they could do the TV u/s. He must have read my face because he asked, 'Im sorry am I going too fast?' I told him no, with tears in my eyes, but asked if there was a heart beat. Empathy washed over his face as he walked over to me and said, 'Im not authorized to confirm or deny anything. But I will say that you were looking at the same screen that I was.' Knowing at this point our baby was gone, I still had to go through the uncomfortable TV u/s and listen to him click away. He took the results to the radiologist who came in a few minutes later, gave his 'I know this must be difficult for you' and preformed the exam again himself to confirm. He was the first one to actually say to us, 'Im sorry, but all three of us were not able to find a heartbeat.' So...we drove back to the doctor's office where the sorrowful faces of the ladies at the front desk only made it sink in even more. The doctor discussed our options and let us go home to digest them. 'Its not your fault.' 'These things happen.' 'This has no affect on future pregnancies.' We went to go get Landon and head home.
When I saw my parents I lost it. But when I saw my son I realized something; He is perfect for us. God placed this child so perfectly in our lives. And if I believe that he is perfect for us than I also believe that any other children he gives to us are just as intended for our family as Landon was. I want the children God intended for me, and no others. He knows what is perfect for us and I trust that completely. So as sad as I am to have lost this baby, I accept that it wasnt meant to be. I just wish so badly that this would have been our baby. I havent felt the feelings of 'What did I do? Did I cause this?" Maybe its because going through this with friends, Ive heard it so much I know that it just isnt so. Im thankful for that. I feel no guilt, I merely feel sadness. And its hard to think of how long it will be before I get to actually meet my next child. Everything in my mind revolved around having this baby. I was keeping my schedule busy until November when I would know if I was going to have another little boy, or a little girl. I was transferring my wardrobe, pulling out maternity items. I knew by Easter our family would be four. I was beginning to sort through closets to begin shifting stuff to make room. So to begin accepting that none of that is happening is just hard to adjust to. Knowing that it takes a few months for my body to even be able to carry another child...than the 9 months that come after that. Going through the sickness, and migraines, and exhuasting of the first trimester again. Its all just so heavy.
Having to go to the hospital the next day, get checked in, hop into a bed, put a gown on , get IVs, all of it was just so hard. My hormones were off the charts, I couldnt stop crying and shaking. Being put out for the D&C. It all seemed like so much hoopla when I just wanted to move on. I will honeslty say it was probably the the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. But what doesnt break you makes you stronger, and I praise God for the strength he has grown in me.
And through it all, I find joy. I really do. Because I know that God is working his plan out in my life. Im not thrilled with the turn he has sent us on, but the end result will be perfect, so I will weather this storm and look at every detail to see God's purpose in it. I find joy in my friends who are now carrying children in their womb after a YEAR of struggle and heart ache. My heart BURSTS with joy. I know that they have weathered their storm and God has blessed them. This is their timing and I am so joyful for them. I thought this was our time too, but it just wasnt. I wish it was, because it seemed perfect. It was the timing we had planned perfectly for us. The age different between Landon and this child. I would get to be pregnant in the fall and winter, NOT the summer. It my mind, it was perfect. But that is what God is reminding me. He is in control, and I have to trust his plans and timing. No matter how perfect my plans may seem to be to me, if they arent God's plans...they are far from perfect.
I write this vulnerblity of my heart out of gratitude to all of you; the people who read my previous post and prayed for me. As much as my heart felt protective over sharing this information, I knew that having people pray was the best thing we could do. So I shared, and you prayed. So many people prayed. Which is again why Im joyful despite the pain. Because if so many people prayed for God's will to be done, I know that it was. And there is nothing better than living in God's will. I have the most loving and supportive husband whom I am eternally greatful for. We may fight and clash and struggle through life at times, but its experiences like this that you see each other's true charactor and love....and I wouldnt trade him for anything.
So, thank you all for your prayers. Continued prayer for healing and acceptance would be appreciated, but even more so I hope that this can touch your life in some way and remind you of God's love and to trust in the big picture. May it remind you, as it has for me, than God is in control and just when we think we can take the reigns, he WILL take them away from us. So trust in the Lord and he will show you a life you could never imagine possible. I know I am...and cant wait to see what that is.
When I saw my parents I lost it. But when I saw my son I realized something; He is perfect for us. God placed this child so perfectly in our lives. And if I believe that he is perfect for us than I also believe that any other children he gives to us are just as intended for our family as Landon was. I want the children God intended for me, and no others. He knows what is perfect for us and I trust that completely. So as sad as I am to have lost this baby, I accept that it wasnt meant to be. I just wish so badly that this would have been our baby. I havent felt the feelings of 'What did I do? Did I cause this?" Maybe its because going through this with friends, Ive heard it so much I know that it just isnt so. Im thankful for that. I feel no guilt, I merely feel sadness. And its hard to think of how long it will be before I get to actually meet my next child. Everything in my mind revolved around having this baby. I was keeping my schedule busy until November when I would know if I was going to have another little boy, or a little girl. I was transferring my wardrobe, pulling out maternity items. I knew by Easter our family would be four. I was beginning to sort through closets to begin shifting stuff to make room. So to begin accepting that none of that is happening is just hard to adjust to. Knowing that it takes a few months for my body to even be able to carry another child...than the 9 months that come after that. Going through the sickness, and migraines, and exhuasting of the first trimester again. Its all just so heavy.
Having to go to the hospital the next day, get checked in, hop into a bed, put a gown on , get IVs, all of it was just so hard. My hormones were off the charts, I couldnt stop crying and shaking. Being put out for the D&C. It all seemed like so much hoopla when I just wanted to move on. I will honeslty say it was probably the the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. But what doesnt break you makes you stronger, and I praise God for the strength he has grown in me.
And through it all, I find joy. I really do. Because I know that God is working his plan out in my life. Im not thrilled with the turn he has sent us on, but the end result will be perfect, so I will weather this storm and look at every detail to see God's purpose in it. I find joy in my friends who are now carrying children in their womb after a YEAR of struggle and heart ache. My heart BURSTS with joy. I know that they have weathered their storm and God has blessed them. This is their timing and I am so joyful for them. I thought this was our time too, but it just wasnt. I wish it was, because it seemed perfect. It was the timing we had planned perfectly for us. The age different between Landon and this child. I would get to be pregnant in the fall and winter, NOT the summer. It my mind, it was perfect. But that is what God is reminding me. He is in control, and I have to trust his plans and timing. No matter how perfect my plans may seem to be to me, if they arent God's plans...they are far from perfect.
I write this vulnerblity of my heart out of gratitude to all of you; the people who read my previous post and prayed for me. As much as my heart felt protective over sharing this information, I knew that having people pray was the best thing we could do. So I shared, and you prayed. So many people prayed. Which is again why Im joyful despite the pain. Because if so many people prayed for God's will to be done, I know that it was. And there is nothing better than living in God's will. I have the most loving and supportive husband whom I am eternally greatful for. We may fight and clash and struggle through life at times, but its experiences like this that you see each other's true charactor and love....and I wouldnt trade him for anything.
So, thank you all for your prayers. Continued prayer for healing and acceptance would be appreciated, but even more so I hope that this can touch your life in some way and remind you of God's love and to trust in the big picture. May it remind you, as it has for me, than God is in control and just when we think we can take the reigns, he WILL take them away from us. So trust in the Lord and he will show you a life you could never imagine possible. I know I am...and cant wait to see what that is.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Seek and Ye shall find....really?
Ok, so most of my posts are about Landon or my photography. Very rarely have I just spouted off about what Id been feeling or thinking. But, I figured since I moved my photography to another blog, and I enjoy reading other people's blogs with their thoughts and journey...Id give it a go.
Over the last few months it seem like Ive been made speechless over some horribly infortunate reality brought to people in my life. Ok, mostly speechless. Speechless for me doesnt mean I have nothing to say...it just means Im not entirely certain what to say, but I always try. There are a few people in my life right now who are struggling in their faith. They have searched for so long to find relief from their life's struggles and to feel the love of God...but have been left dry. This is something I have never experienced myself. I always beleive that God is in control, even when I dont see how he could be or wonder if he will ever come through for me. Trust me, I struggle with a lot of things...that just isnt one of them. So when I hear these people, who I love so dearly (and who have always had faith that has encouraged myself) have doubt....Im speechless. I try to comfort them by giving scripture or encouragement. Frankly, they dont want to hear it anymore. They want to experience it finally. They want to understand. I wonder if I would be the same way in their situations?
My best friend has been stretched more than anyone should in our human eyes. 6 weeks ago her husband was diagnosed with cancer. Two surgeries later he still faces chemo ahead. In the midst of their sorrow, they were blessed with a miracle pregnancy...only to be taken away a few weeks later. I just dont understand. It seems so sick...not something a loving God would do. If we believe God has a plan we cant just believe it when things are good, we have to believe it even when things are harder than we feel like we can even handle.
I dont say this for my friends, I say this all for me. I say this as what God is trying to teach me, I believe. God has a different lesson for them, Im sure.
For me, I began to think realistically. When we signed on to take up our cross and follow Christ, it wasnt a paved yellow brick road. He never promised us a life of pure happiness and joy. We signed on for suffering. "...so too we must partake in his sufferings to experience the joy he has for us." In our human understanding and function, when we hear that God has a plan we think that that means something good for us. Maybe his plan is for us to suffer? But where there is no promise for joy here on earth, there is promise of joy everlasting in heaven.
Im gonna throw this out and when I did at small group several weeks ago everyone just stared at me as if I was really weird:) So this may just be my wierd little brain but bare with me. As believers, everything we do here on earth is for Christ...so that we may ultimatly get to heaven. So in a way...isnt it a little selfish? I mean ya we say that we will "suffer for Christ," but only cause we get the reward of heaven. Would you suffer for Christ here on earth if you didnt have the promise of Heaven? Would you literally give your life and all eternity for Him? God doesnt ask us to because he loves us and doesnt want us to go unrewarded...but still. Would you do it if that were the deal? All of this nonsense led me to this. Our entire life here on earth could plain suck. His "plan" for us could be a life of constant testing and heartache. Do you think? I mean, when we believe that God has a plan that doesnt mean that if we really truly believe that, that everything will eventually be hunky dory. Atleast not here on earth. But in heaven...it WILL! It absolutly NO doubt, no confusion, no MAYBE-WHAT IF-BUTs about it. THAT is his plan...for you to get to heaven...the reward he created for you.
So when I see people struggling in their lives, or when I sit and cry for my best friend and feel so betrayed by God that we could hurt my friends so deeply...I just have to remember the ultimate promise....eternal life. And I entirely believe that what you bear here on earth with faith and hope in Christ will be REWARDED up in heaven. So those people who are facing so much heartache here on earth...my heart breaks for them. But at the same time part of my heart can smile because when they take on those hurts and hold their head high focused on the King...they are racking up dividends in HEAVEN!
I dont even know what this rambling leads to. I just know that as much as I try to break down to a point of questioning my faith and the reality of God to further understand where my friends might be at....I just cant get there. I cant doubt...no matter how hard I try. And like I said, I struggle in a lot of differerent areas. But for now, this isnt one of them. And thats the beauty of the community of Christ. While some are struggling, others can stand strong...and eventually the roles will change. But right now, in this role, I will be a pillar for Christ that best that I can. My best friend is dealing with more than anyone should, and she is the one inspiring me. Her reckless faith, her faith cant be shattered. Yes she is angry. She is hurt. She in confused. But she still believes. She still sees Gods hand in it, someway. She is the most inspiring person I have ever met.
Over the last few months it seem like Ive been made speechless over some horribly infortunate reality brought to people in my life. Ok, mostly speechless. Speechless for me doesnt mean I have nothing to say...it just means Im not entirely certain what to say, but I always try. There are a few people in my life right now who are struggling in their faith. They have searched for so long to find relief from their life's struggles and to feel the love of God...but have been left dry. This is something I have never experienced myself. I always beleive that God is in control, even when I dont see how he could be or wonder if he will ever come through for me. Trust me, I struggle with a lot of things...that just isnt one of them. So when I hear these people, who I love so dearly (and who have always had faith that has encouraged myself) have doubt....Im speechless. I try to comfort them by giving scripture or encouragement. Frankly, they dont want to hear it anymore. They want to experience it finally. They want to understand. I wonder if I would be the same way in their situations?
My best friend has been stretched more than anyone should in our human eyes. 6 weeks ago her husband was diagnosed with cancer. Two surgeries later he still faces chemo ahead. In the midst of their sorrow, they were blessed with a miracle pregnancy...only to be taken away a few weeks later. I just dont understand. It seems so sick...not something a loving God would do. If we believe God has a plan we cant just believe it when things are good, we have to believe it even when things are harder than we feel like we can even handle.
I dont say this for my friends, I say this all for me. I say this as what God is trying to teach me, I believe. God has a different lesson for them, Im sure.
For me, I began to think realistically. When we signed on to take up our cross and follow Christ, it wasnt a paved yellow brick road. He never promised us a life of pure happiness and joy. We signed on for suffering. "...so too we must partake in his sufferings to experience the joy he has for us." In our human understanding and function, when we hear that God has a plan we think that that means something good for us. Maybe his plan is for us to suffer? But where there is no promise for joy here on earth, there is promise of joy everlasting in heaven.
Im gonna throw this out and when I did at small group several weeks ago everyone just stared at me as if I was really weird:) So this may just be my wierd little brain but bare with me. As believers, everything we do here on earth is for Christ...so that we may ultimatly get to heaven. So in a way...isnt it a little selfish? I mean ya we say that we will "suffer for Christ," but only cause we get the reward of heaven. Would you suffer for Christ here on earth if you didnt have the promise of Heaven? Would you literally give your life and all eternity for Him? God doesnt ask us to because he loves us and doesnt want us to go unrewarded...but still. Would you do it if that were the deal? All of this nonsense led me to this. Our entire life here on earth could plain suck. His "plan" for us could be a life of constant testing and heartache. Do you think? I mean, when we believe that God has a plan that doesnt mean that if we really truly believe that, that everything will eventually be hunky dory. Atleast not here on earth. But in heaven...it WILL! It absolutly NO doubt, no confusion, no MAYBE-WHAT IF-BUTs about it. THAT is his plan...for you to get to heaven...the reward he created for you.
So when I see people struggling in their lives, or when I sit and cry for my best friend and feel so betrayed by God that we could hurt my friends so deeply...I just have to remember the ultimate promise....eternal life. And I entirely believe that what you bear here on earth with faith and hope in Christ will be REWARDED up in heaven. So those people who are facing so much heartache here on earth...my heart breaks for them. But at the same time part of my heart can smile because when they take on those hurts and hold their head high focused on the King...they are racking up dividends in HEAVEN!
I dont even know what this rambling leads to. I just know that as much as I try to break down to a point of questioning my faith and the reality of God to further understand where my friends might be at....I just cant get there. I cant doubt...no matter how hard I try. And like I said, I struggle in a lot of differerent areas. But for now, this isnt one of them. And thats the beauty of the community of Christ. While some are struggling, others can stand strong...and eventually the roles will change. But right now, in this role, I will be a pillar for Christ that best that I can. My best friend is dealing with more than anyone should, and she is the one inspiring me. Her reckless faith, her faith cant be shattered. Yes she is angry. She is hurt. She in confused. But she still believes. She still sees Gods hand in it, someway. She is the most inspiring person I have ever met.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Irony/Perspective
My two biggest stresses most days:
- Not having anything to wear
- Never being able to keep up on the laundry
Hmmm....
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