Be still and know....

Psalm 46:10

"Be still and know that I am God."

This is a verse that has haunted me for as long as I can remember being a follower of Christ who seeked to grow closer to Him and become less of me. My mind is constantly running. Analyzing, thinking, wondering, creating. I'll be perfectly honest, this has done a doozy on our marraige in the past. Id stand there yelling at Kirk begging him to tell me what he was thinking. He would say, "I dont know. Nothing." I thought he was full of it. I didnt understand how NOTHING could be on his mind. There was always something...many things...on mine. I was challenged once to just "be still and know that is God." Just to be still and be silent. Whew....an impossible thing to ask of me, but I did it. And I can tell you right now that it is the most powerful thing in the world. See, Im in constant conversation with God. Every thought I have is like a converstaion with Him. Everything I see that makes me laugh, I laugh with him. I just feel this presence with me all the time. I pray for and see Him inthe little things. Im grateful for that, but its also a way that keeps me from ever really stopping in my life and being silent with Him. I feel like because Im constantly meeting with him through every tedious moment of the day, I dont need to stop and meet with him.

But I do.

The power of being silent and just letting God take control of my mind and my heart is priceless. Having him directmy thoughts. Not ME including him in what Im doing, but being completely empty and letting HIM direct where we go together. Its when I feel loved by Him more than ever. Ladies, you know what Im talking about. We could plan a romantic weekend with our hubby and have a wonderful time. But how much better would it feel to know that HE planned it. HE planend every thoughtful and loving detail and moment for YOU? Its what we were created to need. As women we are created with this endless need to be loved and adored. And the reality is....a man cannot meet that need. Maybe some are better at it than others, but I know whole heartedly that there is not a single man who can meet every need of a woman. I mean...why would God make him to?

See....I ruined my phone last Thursday. I accidently knocked it into the washing machine (for like .2 seconds) and it was a gonner. Without my phone....Ive had this quite solitude where there is nothing but me and God. Landon went to my mother in law's house on Friday and is again with Daddy at work today. The silence has been so enriching. God has shown me an array of things I know He really wanted me to hear. And the funny thing is, I didnt go on some huge spiritual journey to have to figure it out. He just told me. I got quite, allowed him to talk, and he just simply told me. It makes me think of all the times I just kept going in life and never let my world be quiet enough for Him to talk....what else has He simply wanted to just tell me?

On Friday God told me to be silent and go sit and meet with him. I was revelling in how much just doing that made me feel loved by him in such a tender way, a way I yearn to feel from my husband (the way we all do). He said to me, "Why would I create man (or woman) to fully love their mate in everyway that they needed? They would never have a reason to come to me." I think about all the times we've said (with frustration, mind you) "Why did God make men and women so differenet?!?!" Well....this is exactly why. The butting of heads and the clashing of spirits. Its because we are not meant to fit perfectly together. There is a middle piece that connects us; Christ. Only He can truly love me the way I need to be loved. And in the deepest desires of my heart, I dont think he's going to let Kirk ever meet that. He knows how deeply I yearn for that and if Kirk met it....I wouldnt recognize the sweetness of when God does.

The other thing God has laid on my heart (completely unrelated) has to do with a very special appointment we have this week:) On Thursday we have our 21 week ultrasound. Among many other important things the doctor will be looking at, we will find out the gender of our newest child. I cant even tell you how long this has felt. With the miscarraige and getting pregnant just a few months later, I have felt like Ive been pregnant since July and STILL dont know what we are having. We'll be 3 days shy of our original due date at this ultrasound apt and it just feels like the longest, slowest process. BUT, I can also tell you again how SWEET this moment will be. It always is a remarkably thing to experience, but whenever you wait longer for something, the final moment is like a choir filling your hear with a joyous song. And I wont lie. Everyone has asked me the fateful question; "What are you hoping for?" I mean, come on. Of course we would love to have a little girl. We have an incredible boy and all that we have experienced with him in these last alomst 3 years have been incredible. Most of them, clearly boy moments. We would love to experience both. The little girl moments that we would never have with boys. But...like every other parent...we would be elated with another boy too. A brother for Landon. A relationship between them that is completely seperate from us. Yes, this child will be OUR child, but it will be LANDON'S sibling. We are giving something to him. That is really cool to me. Anyway...what God sort of painted out for me yesterday was this incredible reminder that He did not HAVE to give us this child Im carrying. For whatever reason we all feel like we are entitled to have OUR children. Its our turn, our generation to start a family. I was in church and saw this building full of people worshiping the Lord. The song in worship sang:

"Now let your church shine as the bride,
that you saw on your heart as you offered up your life."

I pictured Kirk as I had walked down the aisle. The tears he was holding in, the smile he was fighting back trying to look strong, his eyes locked on mine the entire time I walked down the aisle. I pictured Christ with that same look, right into my eyes as he laid on the cross. And than I looked around and realized every person in that room was getting the same look from Christ. The eyes locked in as though no one else mattered. Someone once painted this picture for me of how God views the world. He has no sense of time, just timing. He sees the world from day 1 to the day Christ comes back in a panoramic view. He has a plan all lined out. This life we walk we only see with our tunnel vision. He looks at our life from above and how we relate and connect with each other. He places people where HE needs them, not where THEY need to be. And I thought about this child in my womb and how ridiculously selfish it was for me to think that I was entitled to this baby. The truth is, if God didnt need this child, He wouldnt have given it life. This isnt about me and what I want my family to look like and the children I want to raise and to experience. I am tool for Christ. And if he needs me to be an instrument to bring a life onto this earth that He has a plan for....what an incredible honor.

And He reminded me also that I was created for the children He will give me. He already knew what children I would have and my entire life He has been forming me through experiences and circumstances to be the mother THESE children will need. That's why a mother's intuition is so powerful. That's why we know our children so well. Those children were given to us as a perfect fit. And in the moments I will face when I dont have a clue what to do as a parent, turning to God will be my source of direction because somewhere deep within, I will know. Maybe God was forming me to be a mother of sons. Maybe he took me through a journey that I needed to know in order to raise a daughter. I dont know...but this ultrasound is so exciting to find out WHO God has been forming me to raise.

I can only imagine how confusing this post might be:) I sat her quite awhile rambling my heart. But hey, maybe it'll encourage someone in even a slight way that it encouraged me. And in the slightest, I encourage you to find time...MAKE time.....to be silent with God this week. On this week before Easter, Wednesday was the day Jesus took to be in prayer with the Lord. Silence with Him and his Father. If ever there was a more powerful example of how important solitude in prayer is.

Look for a post (probably Friday) to see what little one we will be waiting for!!!

Oh, what a journey so far...

So I hit the 17 week mark in my pregnancy. Seriously, feels like its taking forever! With the first pregnancy, every little thing is exciting and new. Now, I just want to a.) feel the baby, b.) know what the baby is, and c.) just have the baby already! Well, Saturday night we got "A" atleast. It was so cool to feel this little one move. I have been feeling little weird flickers for about a week, but really Im pretty sure that was gas or something (why be descreet, right?). Anyway, Friday night we were watching a movie and I felt a for sure roll inside. It went on for about 15 minutes. Very small movements, but definatly rolling around!

This moment meant so much to me.....

See, this pregnancy has been sort of weird. Given our loss last summer, the first trimester becomes like the silence before a storm. We were excited, but didnt fully awknowledge it. We were happy, but didnt outwardly smile. There was always...a chance. And really, with any pregnancy there is always a chance, but once you've experienced a loss, the chance feels a lot more real. We waited it out...from weeks 6 to 11 we just sort of floated. It just didnt feel real yet, other than my stationary position on the couch and gingerale and my fingertips 24/7. After hearing the heart beat again at 11 weeks we began to really let it sink in and accept that by all likelihood, this was really going to happen this time. It was weird though, having sort of minimized our feelings over it, it was hard to flip a switch and all the sudden be exctatic. It was a slow transition. Not out of any lack of love for this child, but more of caution I think.

By week 13 it was finally settling into reality. That is, until I got a call at about 8:00 in the evening. It was from the dermatologist I had gone to to have a mole looked at. It was on my upper torso, and by as much as I can remember...had shown up during Landon's pregnancy. Id had it looked at before and it was fine. My midwife asked about it during my exam and I said that it may have gotten bigger, I wasnt really sure. She suggested that, to be safe, I should have it looked at, so I did. The dermatologist wasnt too worried but decided to do a biopsy just incase, given the fact that I was pregnant. The results, than, were a surprise to all of us. Melanoma. Cancer.

Definatly one of the more scary words you will hear in your life, especially when you are pregnant and have another life depending on your own. Kirk and I went in the next day and got the low down on what this means. The good news: it was a thin, slow growing melanoma. The best to have of any. Simply removing the remainder of the mole should take care of it. Of course, than we had to be given all of the "what ifs" which was terrifying and yet.....I had an ever present peace. We shared with family for prayers but kept it mostly on the downlow to avoid any rumors, unanswered questions, etc. went in the next week for the surgery to remove the mole. Well....what I thought was the mole. Ended up being about a 6"x1" flap of skin, scalpeled out, cauterized, clamped together, and suttered up with 21 stitches. Ill spare the details here, but lets just say it was WAY more intense that I expecting, I had a mild panic attack, and was laid up for about 5 days straight. It hurt, a lot. Horrible location. Boo.

I was finally feeling somewhat mobile by Sunday so we all got up and went to church. Like I said, I had had an overwhelming peace throughout all of this. A lot of it came from the fact that so many people have had this, it really was minor, and in all liklihood I had done all Id need to do. But yet....there was a chance. And for a moment I let it settle on my heart. The fear of dying. Of leaving behind my son and my husband. To not get to raise by son, teach him everything I want to teach him about the world and about God. To mold him into the man I can already see him becoming one day. For him to grow up without a mother and how that would effect him? And the baby in my womb. I had again completely shut off the reality of it's life inside of me out of fear of what may happen. I couldnt be attached to something I may not be able to keep. I knew without a doubt that if and when I got to hold that baby in my arms, I would love it every but as much as I love Landon. But until than....I just couldnt let it settle on my heart. It was the deepest state of emotion I cant put into words. And there, during worship, God spoke to me.

I had recieved a message from a girl from highschool earlier that week. A message thanking me for being an encouragment to her through my faith and to let me know that I had inspired her in some way. She is going through a difficult time in her family and for whatever reason, God had chosen to use me to bring her hope. It was an incredible feeling to know that God had used me as an instrument in someone's life. So as I stood there in church, worshiping, I had thanked God for this opportunity and I prayed for her family. Thats when he froze me and spoke clearly to me. He said, "If I promise to protect you and your family, will you go down this road? (referring to the battle of cancer.)" I was afraid, but also totally comforted. I knew that when God makes promises, he keeps them. I thought immediatly of my best friend and the promise God had given her of children. 3 miscarriages didnt deter from the second little girl she will be meeting this June. God kept his promise, and I knew He would keep this one too. There was an instant of pulling back before I fell into his arms and said, "Yes, father. I will. I want my life to be an instrument for you in anyway that will touch lives." For a moment it was like the wind was taken out of me. I had just made a really, really intense promise to the Lord. And I knew that he would keep up his end, but I feared what keeping up my end might entail. It was a ligitament fear, one I dont think was of sinful nature. Anyone, no matter how much they trust in the Lord, would find fear facing such a scary journey of pain and sickness. But, I agreed with my whole heart.

It was 11 days from my surgery to the day they called with the results. Good news! All the melonoma was removed. Treatment...check! I went in later that day and had my stitches removed and discussed prognsosis from here: checked every 6 months for 5 years.It was about 20 days from start to finish, but now Im back at that place trying again to let myself accept the life inside of me. Yearning for that ultrasound 5 weeks down the road. Yearning to connect with this little one. Id stopped reading my week by week book. I was even asked once how far along I was (yes, despite my mental block of this baby its physical presence is definaly there in the belly region!) and I honestly didnt know. I had to count on my fingers.

And than, Friday night, I felt it roll. The life inside of me. Making its presence known and unignorable (if that wasnt a word, it is now). Im back to the place of just wanting to hold this baby. Just wanting to know for sure that it made it. But for now....Ill take the little rolls and await that fateful ultrasound:) And, I know, that God made a promise to me along with a challenge that I ACCEPTED. For now, it was just a test. Maybe someday he will hold me to it. But atleast for now I showed God how much I loved Him and how much I desired to follow Him. I know that that pleased the Lord and that gives me a feeling of peace and protection that I am so grateful for. And Im grateful for this challenge because yet again, I was able to experience a new side of God and draw closer to Him than ever before.

What better gift could he give me than another child?