Oh, what a journey so far...

So I hit the 17 week mark in my pregnancy. Seriously, feels like its taking forever! With the first pregnancy, every little thing is exciting and new. Now, I just want to a.) feel the baby, b.) know what the baby is, and c.) just have the baby already! Well, Saturday night we got "A" atleast. It was so cool to feel this little one move. I have been feeling little weird flickers for about a week, but really Im pretty sure that was gas or something (why be descreet, right?). Anyway, Friday night we were watching a movie and I felt a for sure roll inside. It went on for about 15 minutes. Very small movements, but definatly rolling around!

This moment meant so much to me.....

See, this pregnancy has been sort of weird. Given our loss last summer, the first trimester becomes like the silence before a storm. We were excited, but didnt fully awknowledge it. We were happy, but didnt outwardly smile. There was always...a chance. And really, with any pregnancy there is always a chance, but once you've experienced a loss, the chance feels a lot more real. We waited it out...from weeks 6 to 11 we just sort of floated. It just didnt feel real yet, other than my stationary position on the couch and gingerale and my fingertips 24/7. After hearing the heart beat again at 11 weeks we began to really let it sink in and accept that by all likelihood, this was really going to happen this time. It was weird though, having sort of minimized our feelings over it, it was hard to flip a switch and all the sudden be exctatic. It was a slow transition. Not out of any lack of love for this child, but more of caution I think.

By week 13 it was finally settling into reality. That is, until I got a call at about 8:00 in the evening. It was from the dermatologist I had gone to to have a mole looked at. It was on my upper torso, and by as much as I can remember...had shown up during Landon's pregnancy. Id had it looked at before and it was fine. My midwife asked about it during my exam and I said that it may have gotten bigger, I wasnt really sure. She suggested that, to be safe, I should have it looked at, so I did. The dermatologist wasnt too worried but decided to do a biopsy just incase, given the fact that I was pregnant. The results, than, were a surprise to all of us. Melanoma. Cancer.

Definatly one of the more scary words you will hear in your life, especially when you are pregnant and have another life depending on your own. Kirk and I went in the next day and got the low down on what this means. The good news: it was a thin, slow growing melanoma. The best to have of any. Simply removing the remainder of the mole should take care of it. Of course, than we had to be given all of the "what ifs" which was terrifying and yet.....I had an ever present peace. We shared with family for prayers but kept it mostly on the downlow to avoid any rumors, unanswered questions, etc. went in the next week for the surgery to remove the mole. Well....what I thought was the mole. Ended up being about a 6"x1" flap of skin, scalpeled out, cauterized, clamped together, and suttered up with 21 stitches. Ill spare the details here, but lets just say it was WAY more intense that I expecting, I had a mild panic attack, and was laid up for about 5 days straight. It hurt, a lot. Horrible location. Boo.

I was finally feeling somewhat mobile by Sunday so we all got up and went to church. Like I said, I had had an overwhelming peace throughout all of this. A lot of it came from the fact that so many people have had this, it really was minor, and in all liklihood I had done all Id need to do. But yet....there was a chance. And for a moment I let it settle on my heart. The fear of dying. Of leaving behind my son and my husband. To not get to raise by son, teach him everything I want to teach him about the world and about God. To mold him into the man I can already see him becoming one day. For him to grow up without a mother and how that would effect him? And the baby in my womb. I had again completely shut off the reality of it's life inside of me out of fear of what may happen. I couldnt be attached to something I may not be able to keep. I knew without a doubt that if and when I got to hold that baby in my arms, I would love it every but as much as I love Landon. But until than....I just couldnt let it settle on my heart. It was the deepest state of emotion I cant put into words. And there, during worship, God spoke to me.

I had recieved a message from a girl from highschool earlier that week. A message thanking me for being an encouragment to her through my faith and to let me know that I had inspired her in some way. She is going through a difficult time in her family and for whatever reason, God had chosen to use me to bring her hope. It was an incredible feeling to know that God had used me as an instrument in someone's life. So as I stood there in church, worshiping, I had thanked God for this opportunity and I prayed for her family. Thats when he froze me and spoke clearly to me. He said, "If I promise to protect you and your family, will you go down this road? (referring to the battle of cancer.)" I was afraid, but also totally comforted. I knew that when God makes promises, he keeps them. I thought immediatly of my best friend and the promise God had given her of children. 3 miscarriages didnt deter from the second little girl she will be meeting this June. God kept his promise, and I knew He would keep this one too. There was an instant of pulling back before I fell into his arms and said, "Yes, father. I will. I want my life to be an instrument for you in anyway that will touch lives." For a moment it was like the wind was taken out of me. I had just made a really, really intense promise to the Lord. And I knew that he would keep up his end, but I feared what keeping up my end might entail. It was a ligitament fear, one I dont think was of sinful nature. Anyone, no matter how much they trust in the Lord, would find fear facing such a scary journey of pain and sickness. But, I agreed with my whole heart.

It was 11 days from my surgery to the day they called with the results. Good news! All the melonoma was removed. Treatment...check! I went in later that day and had my stitches removed and discussed prognsosis from here: checked every 6 months for 5 years.It was about 20 days from start to finish, but now Im back at that place trying again to let myself accept the life inside of me. Yearning for that ultrasound 5 weeks down the road. Yearning to connect with this little one. Id stopped reading my week by week book. I was even asked once how far along I was (yes, despite my mental block of this baby its physical presence is definaly there in the belly region!) and I honestly didnt know. I had to count on my fingers.

And than, Friday night, I felt it roll. The life inside of me. Making its presence known and unignorable (if that wasnt a word, it is now). Im back to the place of just wanting to hold this baby. Just wanting to know for sure that it made it. But for now....Ill take the little rolls and await that fateful ultrasound:) And, I know, that God made a promise to me along with a challenge that I ACCEPTED. For now, it was just a test. Maybe someday he will hold me to it. But atleast for now I showed God how much I loved Him and how much I desired to follow Him. I know that that pleased the Lord and that gives me a feeling of peace and protection that I am so grateful for. And Im grateful for this challenge because yet again, I was able to experience a new side of God and draw closer to Him than ever before.

What better gift could he give me than another child?