Be still and know....

Psalm 46:10

"Be still and know that I am God."

This is a verse that has haunted me for as long as I can remember being a follower of Christ who seeked to grow closer to Him and become less of me. My mind is constantly running. Analyzing, thinking, wondering, creating. I'll be perfectly honest, this has done a doozy on our marraige in the past. Id stand there yelling at Kirk begging him to tell me what he was thinking. He would say, "I dont know. Nothing." I thought he was full of it. I didnt understand how NOTHING could be on his mind. There was always something...many things...on mine. I was challenged once to just "be still and know that is God." Just to be still and be silent. Whew....an impossible thing to ask of me, but I did it. And I can tell you right now that it is the most powerful thing in the world. See, Im in constant conversation with God. Every thought I have is like a converstaion with Him. Everything I see that makes me laugh, I laugh with him. I just feel this presence with me all the time. I pray for and see Him inthe little things. Im grateful for that, but its also a way that keeps me from ever really stopping in my life and being silent with Him. I feel like because Im constantly meeting with him through every tedious moment of the day, I dont need to stop and meet with him.

But I do.

The power of being silent and just letting God take control of my mind and my heart is priceless. Having him directmy thoughts. Not ME including him in what Im doing, but being completely empty and letting HIM direct where we go together. Its when I feel loved by Him more than ever. Ladies, you know what Im talking about. We could plan a romantic weekend with our hubby and have a wonderful time. But how much better would it feel to know that HE planned it. HE planend every thoughtful and loving detail and moment for YOU? Its what we were created to need. As women we are created with this endless need to be loved and adored. And the reality is....a man cannot meet that need. Maybe some are better at it than others, but I know whole heartedly that there is not a single man who can meet every need of a woman. I mean...why would God make him to?

See....I ruined my phone last Thursday. I accidently knocked it into the washing machine (for like .2 seconds) and it was a gonner. Without my phone....Ive had this quite solitude where there is nothing but me and God. Landon went to my mother in law's house on Friday and is again with Daddy at work today. The silence has been so enriching. God has shown me an array of things I know He really wanted me to hear. And the funny thing is, I didnt go on some huge spiritual journey to have to figure it out. He just told me. I got quite, allowed him to talk, and he just simply told me. It makes me think of all the times I just kept going in life and never let my world be quiet enough for Him to talk....what else has He simply wanted to just tell me?

On Friday God told me to be silent and go sit and meet with him. I was revelling in how much just doing that made me feel loved by him in such a tender way, a way I yearn to feel from my husband (the way we all do). He said to me, "Why would I create man (or woman) to fully love their mate in everyway that they needed? They would never have a reason to come to me." I think about all the times we've said (with frustration, mind you) "Why did God make men and women so differenet?!?!" Well....this is exactly why. The butting of heads and the clashing of spirits. Its because we are not meant to fit perfectly together. There is a middle piece that connects us; Christ. Only He can truly love me the way I need to be loved. And in the deepest desires of my heart, I dont think he's going to let Kirk ever meet that. He knows how deeply I yearn for that and if Kirk met it....I wouldnt recognize the sweetness of when God does.

The other thing God has laid on my heart (completely unrelated) has to do with a very special appointment we have this week:) On Thursday we have our 21 week ultrasound. Among many other important things the doctor will be looking at, we will find out the gender of our newest child. I cant even tell you how long this has felt. With the miscarraige and getting pregnant just a few months later, I have felt like Ive been pregnant since July and STILL dont know what we are having. We'll be 3 days shy of our original due date at this ultrasound apt and it just feels like the longest, slowest process. BUT, I can also tell you again how SWEET this moment will be. It always is a remarkably thing to experience, but whenever you wait longer for something, the final moment is like a choir filling your hear with a joyous song. And I wont lie. Everyone has asked me the fateful question; "What are you hoping for?" I mean, come on. Of course we would love to have a little girl. We have an incredible boy and all that we have experienced with him in these last alomst 3 years have been incredible. Most of them, clearly boy moments. We would love to experience both. The little girl moments that we would never have with boys. But...like every other parent...we would be elated with another boy too. A brother for Landon. A relationship between them that is completely seperate from us. Yes, this child will be OUR child, but it will be LANDON'S sibling. We are giving something to him. That is really cool to me. Anyway...what God sort of painted out for me yesterday was this incredible reminder that He did not HAVE to give us this child Im carrying. For whatever reason we all feel like we are entitled to have OUR children. Its our turn, our generation to start a family. I was in church and saw this building full of people worshiping the Lord. The song in worship sang:

"Now let your church shine as the bride,
that you saw on your heart as you offered up your life."

I pictured Kirk as I had walked down the aisle. The tears he was holding in, the smile he was fighting back trying to look strong, his eyes locked on mine the entire time I walked down the aisle. I pictured Christ with that same look, right into my eyes as he laid on the cross. And than I looked around and realized every person in that room was getting the same look from Christ. The eyes locked in as though no one else mattered. Someone once painted this picture for me of how God views the world. He has no sense of time, just timing. He sees the world from day 1 to the day Christ comes back in a panoramic view. He has a plan all lined out. This life we walk we only see with our tunnel vision. He looks at our life from above and how we relate and connect with each other. He places people where HE needs them, not where THEY need to be. And I thought about this child in my womb and how ridiculously selfish it was for me to think that I was entitled to this baby. The truth is, if God didnt need this child, He wouldnt have given it life. This isnt about me and what I want my family to look like and the children I want to raise and to experience. I am tool for Christ. And if he needs me to be an instrument to bring a life onto this earth that He has a plan for....what an incredible honor.

And He reminded me also that I was created for the children He will give me. He already knew what children I would have and my entire life He has been forming me through experiences and circumstances to be the mother THESE children will need. That's why a mother's intuition is so powerful. That's why we know our children so well. Those children were given to us as a perfect fit. And in the moments I will face when I dont have a clue what to do as a parent, turning to God will be my source of direction because somewhere deep within, I will know. Maybe God was forming me to be a mother of sons. Maybe he took me through a journey that I needed to know in order to raise a daughter. I dont know...but this ultrasound is so exciting to find out WHO God has been forming me to raise.

I can only imagine how confusing this post might be:) I sat her quite awhile rambling my heart. But hey, maybe it'll encourage someone in even a slight way that it encouraged me. And in the slightest, I encourage you to find time...MAKE time.....to be silent with God this week. On this week before Easter, Wednesday was the day Jesus took to be in prayer with the Lord. Silence with Him and his Father. If ever there was a more powerful example of how important solitude in prayer is.

Look for a post (probably Friday) to see what little one we will be waiting for!!!