The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away

Its hard to put into words the feelings on my heart right now. Friday we had our ultrasound at the doctor's office. He was unable to get a reading, but because my uterus was tilted so far, he sent us to the hospital where they have an angled TV u/s and would be able to get a better reading. It began setting in once we were driving to the hospital, even though nothing had been confirmed. We registered, waited, and were finally taken back my the tech who sped through the tummy u/s like he had done it million times before and was on robot mode. I did, however, see the screen as the straight line stretched across. He than told me to get a gown on so they could do the TV u/s. He must have read my face because he asked, 'Im sorry am I going too fast?' I told him no, with tears in my eyes, but asked if there was a heart beat. Empathy washed over his face as he walked over to me and said, 'Im not authorized to confirm or deny anything. But I will say that you were looking at the same screen that I was.' Knowing at this point our baby was gone, I still had to go through the uncomfortable TV u/s and listen to him click away. He took the results to the radiologist who came in a few minutes later, gave his 'I know this must be difficult for you' and preformed the exam again himself to confirm. He was the first one to actually say to us, 'Im sorry, but all three of us were not able to find a heartbeat.' So...we drove back to the doctor's office where the sorrowful faces of the ladies at the front desk only made it sink in even more. The doctor discussed our options and let us go home to digest them. 'Its not your fault.' 'These things happen.' 'This has no affect on future pregnancies.' We went to go get Landon and head home.

When I saw my parents I lost it. But when I saw my son I realized something; He is perfect for us. God placed this child so perfectly in our lives. And if I believe that he is perfect for us than I also believe that any other children he gives to us are just as intended for our family as Landon was. I want the children God intended for me, and no others. He knows what is perfect for us and I trust that completely. So as sad as I am to have lost this baby, I accept that it wasnt meant to be. I just wish so badly that this would have been our baby. I havent felt the feelings of 'What did I do? Did I cause this?" Maybe its because going through this with friends, Ive heard it so much I know that it just isnt so. Im thankful for that. I feel no guilt, I merely feel sadness. And its hard to think of how long it will be before I get to actually meet my next child. Everything in my mind revolved around having this baby. I was keeping my schedule busy until November when I would know if I was going to have another little boy, or a little girl. I was transferring my wardrobe, pulling out maternity items. I knew by Easter our family would be four. I was beginning to sort through closets to begin shifting stuff to make room. So to begin accepting that none of that is happening is just hard to adjust to. Knowing that it takes a few months for my body to even be able to carry another child...than the 9 months that come after that. Going through the sickness, and migraines, and exhuasting of the first trimester again. Its all just so heavy.

Having to go to the hospital the next day, get checked in, hop into a bed, put a gown on , get IVs, all of it was just so hard. My hormones were off the charts, I couldnt stop crying and shaking. Being put out for the D&C. It all seemed like so much hoopla when I just wanted to move on. I will honeslty say it was probably the the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. But what doesnt break you makes you stronger, and I praise God for the strength he has grown in me.

And through it all, I find joy. I really do. Because I know that God is working his plan out in my life. Im not thrilled with the turn he has sent us on, but the end result will be perfect, so I will weather this storm and look at every detail to see God's purpose in it. I find joy in my friends who are now carrying children in their womb after a YEAR of struggle and heart ache. My heart BURSTS with joy. I know that they have weathered their storm and God has blessed them. This is their timing and I am so joyful for them. I thought this was our time too, but it just wasnt. I wish it was, because it seemed perfect. It was the timing we had planned perfectly for us. The age different between Landon and this child. I would get to be pregnant in the fall and winter, NOT the summer. It my mind, it was perfect. But that is what God is reminding me. He is in control, and I have to trust his plans and timing. No matter how perfect my plans may seem to be to me, if they arent God's plans...they are far from perfect.

I write this vulnerblity of my heart out of gratitude to all of you; the people who read my previous post and prayed for me. As much as my heart felt protective over sharing this information, I knew that having people pray was the best thing we could do. So I shared, and you prayed. So many people prayed. Which is again why Im joyful despite the pain. Because if so many people prayed for God's will to be done, I know that it was. And there is nothing better than living in God's will. I have the most loving and supportive husband whom I am eternally greatful for. We may fight and clash and struggle through life at times, but its experiences like this that you see each other's true charactor and love....and I wouldnt trade him for anything.

So, thank you all for your prayers. Continued prayer for healing and acceptance would be appreciated, but even more so I hope that this can touch your life in some way and remind you of God's love and to trust in the big picture. May it remind you, as it has for me, than God is in control and just when we think we can take the reigns, he WILL take them away from us. So trust in the Lord and he will show you a life you could never imagine possible. I know I am...and cant wait to see what that is.